February 21, 2014 at 7:58 pm #7322Greg BaerMember
I’m beginning to appreciate when things go wrong – aka, not according to my plan. I see my need to control my current relationship, and it gives me an opportunity to step back and see the situation from a different perspective (as long as I don’t get sucked into a death spiral).
I had a few ah-has tonight while I examined my options in my current situation. In a nutshell: trying to do the long distance dating thing, which limits connection to phone, text, Skype, and the like. (Could be worse – it’s not pony express, right?) My partner is changing jobs, navigating being newly divorced, custody, etc., and the accompanying upheaval of emotions.
The issue: when he is particularly emotionally low (depressed), he retreats into radio silence. My truth: I apparently lack the patience to let him have the space he needs. *I* think he should turn to me when he needs help, or a listening ear, etc. Me, me, me. Lies, of course, because I can’t fix him or change his behavior.
His feelings are his choice. I have some awesome tools to help me avoid the abyss, but he needs to find his way. If he asks, I’ll have some answers and resources. I can’t control his process. What I can do is evaluate the information I’m gathering from this process and decide if I want to continue.
1 – change his behavior (impossible)
2 – live with it and like it
3 – live with it and hate it
4 – leave (still a viable option given that we’re not committed)
Right now I see that I’m opting for 3; I’m living with it but hating it. It occurs to me that I only hate it because I am making a judgement that his retreating is a bad thing. Changing that judgement and recognizing that he may just need space for Self care is a good thing, makes the wait more bearable. I lose the negative feelings, and the end result can still be positive. Then I can step into 2; live with it and like it.
Maybe this was just a reincarnation of my previous post from the last time be retreated, but I’m seeing myself and my reactions more clearly. I appreciate the growth that comes from applying these principles. If this relationship doesn’t last, the lessons will.April 26, 2017 at 4:23 am #29780AnonymousInactive
Really helpful post – i can recognise myself in these behaviours – putting a sense of worth on being ‘helpful’ – ‘needed’ – trying to change the other person … i’ve done this for a lifetime to make myself feel better … I’m learning some different ways … and I’m way way happier … and I’m guessing so are others around me – win win.
As you say whether this relationship lasts or not the lessons on how to be more loving last a lifetime.
Grateful for your share.
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