Posts

Ways to Spell, “Drop Dead” (or “You’re an idiot,” or “Stick your head in the toilet”)

Because we have been taught to avoid the pain of disapproval, we also tend to avoid expressing disapproval to others in a way that is too severe, because generally that is followed by the sharp disapproval of the other person. So we’ve learned…

Vulnerability

On many occasions I have spoken about the process of how telling the truth about ourselves creates opportunities for us to feel genuinely seen, accepted, and loved by others. This can be summarized by the linear diagram Truth ➝ Seen ➝ Accepted…

Identifying Victimhood

We want all the genuine happiness in life we can find. Toward that end, we want to eliminate anything that would interfere with that happiness, and there are so many such obstacles. Let’s focus now on just one of them: victimhood, which destroys…

I’m So Special

In many places I have written about the damage caused by expectations. (See the Master Index on the RealLove.com website.) One source of expectations is our belief that somehow we are special. Our needs are special, or our wounds are special,…
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The Nail

On YouTube, the following video was posted: We see the lower righter quarter of her face as she is talking. “It’s just there,” she said. “There's all this pressure, you know? And sometimes it feels like it's right up on me, and I…

Giving Up Power to Change

Victims expect someone to save them, but in that expectation they give up the power to change their lives.

Feeling Sorry for Ourselves

Feeling sorry for ourselves is so easy to justify, but then it becomes addictive, and we find ourselves chained to our own beliefs.
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Victimized vs. Feeling Like a Victim

Charlotte wrote to me, “For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I was a victim of Life. You once said that our thoughts and feelings were taught to us by other people, so the pain we feel is really not our fault. You said that we are…
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Stop the Story

From the moment Caroline sat down, she began with great animation to detail the innumerable injustices in her life, and how everyone had hurt her deeply. Within twenty seconds I said, “This will not help you. You’ve told this story hundreds…
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Whining vs. Eating

Every day I talk to people who bitterly complain about circumstances in their lives: spouses, children, work—the usual. It’s a spiral of victimhood that never seems to end for many, so often I try to help them focus on a path that is far…
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Noise

A great many of us surround ourselves with complaining and victimhood, creating a level of emotional noise that drowns out any whisper of love and peace we might feel.
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They Killed a Poor Little Dog!

I received the following email: “Yesterday I read an article about a man who beat a dog to death and buried her with her head sticking out of the ground. I can’t get over this. How can I be expected to love somebody who doesn’t deserve…

The Very Tricky Business of Pleasing People

Rita sat in front of me and was the very model of civility and propriety. She was exceptionally polite, cheery, and cooperative. Nor was there a hair out of place. When I asked why she'd come to see me, she responded that she wasn't sure.…

The Tantrum

Melanie and Ray were like many parents I've known. They had no experience with unconditional love, so they couldn't give it to their son, Bradley, who was twenty years old at the time I first met them. And they couldn't teach him to be accountable…

A Tale of Two Victims

Allow me to tell you about two men, John and Michael. When I met them, they had both been married for more than ten years, and they shared the painful bond of each being married to a consummate victim. Despite being intelligent, articulate,…

The Impossible World of the Victim

After twelve years of marriage, Liz and Robert had learned to attack and control each other with a precision and ferocity that was both fascinating and horrifying, like watching two gladiators at work. Robert was primarily an attacker. He motivated…

Vic

Once there was a village nestled at the base of a range of rugged mountains. For generations the people had kept to their farms in the valley, perhaps because they enjoyed such an abundance of water, good soil, and other natural resources there. One…

Conversation with a Victim

On RealLove.com we have chat rooms which are moderated by Real Love Professionals at specified times during the week. Recently I observed an interaction between one Real Love Professional, Lisa, and a woman, Sandra, who had been studying Real…