Everywhere we look, there are so many signs that something is seriously
amiss in our society: Nearly 60% of our marriages end in divorce; as
many as 20% of us are addicted to alcohol or drugs of some kind; one
of nine men will spend some time of his life in prison; 41% of ninth-grade
students reported drinking alcohol in the past month; one-quarter
of all adolescents contract a sexually transmitted disease before they
graduate from high school; and four out of every ten girls in the U.S.
will become pregnant at least once while in their teens, with 80% of
these pregnancies being unintended.
What is wrong here? What are people missing in their lives that causes
them to act out in all these unhealthy ways? Regrettably, we have tended
to see all these behaviors as separate problems, and because of our near-sightedness,
we have been quite unsuccessful in resolving them.
Understanding the problems people experience begins with an
understanding of what all human beings need most, and intuitively
we all know what that need is. In order to be happy, what we all want
more than anything else is to feel loved. We prove that every day with
the songs we sing, the movies we watch, the books we read, and the conversations
we have. Love is the strongest theme uniting all those activities, but
it’s not just any kind of love we’re looking for.
We All Want Most — Unconditional Love
What we all want most is unconditional love, or Real Love. Real
Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any
thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s not Real Love
when you do what I want and I like you. That’s relatively worthless;
that’s earning or buying love. It’s Real Love
when you make mistakes and inconvenience me, but I’m not disappointed
Sadly, few of us have sufficiently received or given that kind of love—not
just during our marriages but for our entire lives. From the time we
were small children, we observed that when we didn’t fight with
our sisters, didn’t make too much noise in the car, got good grades,
and were otherwise obedient and cooperative, our parents and others smiled
at us, patted our heads, and spoke kindly. With their words and behavior,
they told us what good boys and girls we were.
But what happened when we did fight with our sisters, made too much
noise, got bad grades, and dragged mud across the clean living room carpet?
Did people smile at us or speak gentle, loving words? No—they frowned,
sighed with disappointment, and often spoke in harsh tones. Just as the
positive behaviors of other people communicated to us that we were loved,
the withdrawal of those behaviors could only mean that we were not being
loved. Although it was unintentional, our parents and others taught us
this terrible message: “When you’re good, I love you, but
when you’re not, I don’t—or certainly I love you a
great deal less.”
This conditional love can give us brief moments of satisfaction, but
we’re still left with a huge hole in our souls, because only Real
Love can make us genuinely happy. Without sufficient Real Love, we can
only feel empty and alone, which is the greatest ongoing pain in our
lives. In any given negative interaction with another person, it is the
longstanding lack of Real Love in your life that determines
how you feel and respond, not the behavior of the other person in that
moment. In any given moment, you react to the amount of love you feel
from everyone, past and present, not just from the person you’re
Real Love — Changing Ourselves and Our Relationships
Once we understand the critical role of Real Love in our lives, we can
begin to do something to find it and make genuine changes in ourselves
and in our relationships, instead of just playing games with self-help
and relationship techniques, which never make much difference in the
|Read the book Real
Love and take advantage of the resources on RealLove.com,
where you will learn the principles that will make dramatic
changes in your individual life and in all your relationships.
You will learn answers to the following questions:
- What is the real cause of anger and conflict in relationships
of all kinds?
- What is the real cause of fear and anxiety in our individual
lives and in our relationships?
- What can we do to eliminate anger and confusion in our lives
and replace them with peace and confidence?
- How can we respond in healthy ways to the anger and criticism
- Why do we often feel helpless and victimized, and what can
we do about changing these destructive feelings?
- What is the real cause of compulsions or addictions in our
lives, and how can we respond to them in healthy ways?
- What can we do to find genuine and consistent happiness, in
and out of relationships?
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of Real Love
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the basic principles of Real Love.
A collection of ALL the past episodes of Daily Coaching, Real
Love Radio, and Video Chat.
Video answers to the questions Greg encounters most often as he shares
the message of Real Love.
An archive of Greg's answers to common problems.
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