Parenting is one of the most important responsibilities we will ever
take upon us, and yet what training do we receive for this awesome task?
In school we learn algebra, history, and English, but not how to raise
happy and responsible children.
Our lack of preparation is reflected in the condition of our children.
They often sulk and glare at us. They fail to carry out the responsibilities
we give them. They don’t do their homework. They argue and fight
with one another. They make a great deal of noise, often with the generous
assistance of amplifiers and speakers. They bring these problems and
attitudes to school, where they’re disruptive and irresponsible.
And that’s just the beginning:
of ninth-grade students reported drinking alcohol in the past month.
one-fourth of ninth graders reported binge drinking (five or more drinks
on one occasion) in the past month.
of high-school seniors in some regions are binge-drinkers.
the last thirty years, the incidence of girls who have had sex by age
15 has gone up by 500%. The incidence for boys has more than doubled.
- 21% of 9th graders have had 4+ sexual partners.
of all adolescents contract a sexually transmitted disease before they
graduate from high school.
out of every 10 girls in the U.S. will become pregnant at least once
while in their teens. 80% of these pregnancies are unintended.
Anger, rebellion, drinking, drug use, and indiscriminate sex are not
all separate problems, although we have often approached them in that
way. These problems are symptoms of a growing unhappiness among
our children. We know it’s growing because in the 1950s
a standardized psychological profile was performed on several thousand
children, measuring anxiety, which is a strong indication of unhappiness.
Then they repeated the test in our day and found that the average American
child now experiences more anxiety than the average child psychiatric patient
did in the 50s. One way to interpret that study would be to say that
the average American child now would have qualified as insane in
With their behavior—with many behaviors—our children are
screaming that something is missing from their lives. As parents we are
often absolutely baffled about how to help these confused and troubled
children—and about how to prevent these problems in the first place.
So what’s missing? What do our children need that they are obviously
not getting? What every child needs most in order to be happy is to feel
loved. But not just any kind of love will do. Children can be happy only
when they feel loved unconditionally, when they have enough
Real Love. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without
any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s not Real
Love when you do what I want and I like you. That’s relatively
worthless; that’s earning or buying love. It’s Real
Love when you make mistakes and inconvenience me, but I’m not disappointed
Regrettably, most children don’t get much Real Love. When children
are clean, quiet, and obedient, they often experience the signs of our
approval—smiles, gentle tones, kind words—but they also see
what happens when they’re loud, disobedient, and otherwise inconvenient.
The smiles and kind words tend to disappear immediately, and from this
behavior they can only learn this lesson: “When you’re good
I love you, but when you’re not I don’t.” This is the
worst wound a child can receive, and the effects are far-reaching.
All of our children’s behaviors that we find exasperating—anger,
defiance, fighting with their siblings, withdrawal, lying, lack of responsibility,
and so on—are nothing more than reactions to the emptiness and
fear in their lives, nothing more than reactions to not feeling a sufficient
supply of the one thing—Real Love—that is as essential to
their emotional health as air, water, and food are to their physical
Read the book Real
Love in Parenting and take advantage of
the many resources on RealLove.com, where you will learn the principles
that will enable you to raise children who are far more loving, responsible,
and, above all, happy.
You will learn the Nine Principles of Effective
"Profound, provocative, written with
great wisdom and compassion. After reading this book, I will
never feel confused about my children again."
"I was at my wits' end. I did not know
how to help my children. But now I do. Real Love in Parenting has
given me everything I was missing as a parent."
More than anything else, my child needs to feel loved.
The Second Principle
When my child behaves badly,
he or she doesn’t feel loved.
The Third Principle
When I’m angry, I’m wrong
The Fourth Principle
I can’t give what I don’t have:
I must find Real Love
The Fifth Principle
My child needs to be loved and taught
The Sixth Principle
After my child has been loved and taught,
he or she needs to be loved and taught again
The Seventh Principle
The Law of Choice
The Eighth Principle
Happiness comes from being loving
The Ninth Principle
Happiness comes from being responsible
You will also learn the answers to the following questions about parenting:
are the real reasons our children often behave badly?
is the real reason parents become angry and frustrated with children?
- How do parents unwittingly cause in children the behaviors
they dislike most?
can we completely eliminate the destructive force of anger from parenting?
can we as parents find the Real Love our children need?
is it foolish for us to feel guilty for the mistakes we’ve made
can we teach children to become responsible, without nagging and manipulation?
can we teach children to almost effortlessly resolve conflicts between
one another (arguments, resentments, racism, and so on)?
can parenting become consistently effective and enjoyable?
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Love in Parenting
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Love in Parenting
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