Although Getting and Protecting Behaviors do give us temporary relief from our emptiness and fear, the consequences of using them are severe:

1. Protecting Behaviors cause the very behaviors we're trying to prevent. All the behaviors in other people that we find frightening—anger, controlling, withdrawing, and so on—are nothing more than their responses to not feeling loved themselves. If we don't understand that, we tend to respond to those behaviors with our own Protecting Behaviors. Now we have a big problem, because with our Protecting Behaviors—lying, attacking, acting like victims, and running—we loudly communicate that our primary interest is our own well-being, not the happiness of the people we're interacting with. With our Protecting Behaviors we make people feel even more empty and afraid, and then they're more likely to respond to us with the Getting and Protecting Behaviors we were originally trying to protect ourselves from.
   
   
2. They make healthy relationships impossible. When you and I are selfishly exchanging Getting and Protecting Behaviors with one another, both of us hear from the other only one message—I don't love you—and in that situation a healthy relationship is impossible.
   
   
3. We make it impossible to feel loved. You can feel Real Love from me only when I give my love unconditionally and when you receive it unconditionally. The moment you use Getting Behaviors—any behavior designed to pull approval or attention from me—you can't feel loved, because you're not unconditionally receiving what I'm giving you. You can perceive what I give you only as a payment for your manipulations.

When you understand Real Love, and how we respond to the lack of it with Getting and Protecting Behaviors, you can begin to see other people quite differently and change the way you feel about them. Further, you acquire the power to behave differently in all circumstances, contributing to all your relationships in positive, life giving ways, instead of simply reacting mindlessly to the behaviors of others. Following are some of the benefits of understanding the Getting and Protecting Behaviors:

• Most of the unpleasant mysteries of life are eliminated. Often we are as hurt by not understanding other people's behavior as we are by what they actually do. We say, "How could he do that?" or "Why would she say such a thing?" When we don't understand the behavior of others, we feel utterly helpless in choosing wise responses. Once we understand Real Love and Getting and Protecting Behaviors, however, we can begin to see that everywhere we look, people are using these behaviors. Suddenly, the behavior of other people makes perfect sense—it's even predictable—and then we are no longer as confused and frustrated.
  
  
• We can completely change the way we see other people, the way we feel about them, and the way we respond to them. When you truly understand and remember that people behave badly only when they're empty and afraid—when you see the truth about bad behaviors, that they're just Getting and Protecting Behaviors—you lose your anger. How can you be angry at people who are just doing their best to respond to the pain in their lives? You can begin to respond to people with compassion instead of reacting with your own Getting and Protecting Behaviors, and that will change your relationships—every interaction, for that matter—dramatically.
  
  
• We can eliminate the excessive, destructive guilt in our lives. When we understand that other people are selfish and hurtful only because they are empty and afraid, we can begin to accept that our own selfish and hurtful behaviors are motivated by a desire to eliminate our emptiness and fear. When we behave badly, we're not evil; we're just doing our best to minimize our pain.
  
  
• We can finally change the direction of our lives. When we don't understand why we feel and behave as we do, we're doomed to repeat old patterns of feelings and behavior endlessly. After we clearly see our emptiness and fear, however, as well as the Imitation Love and Getting and Protecting Behaviors that follow, we can finally begin to change the course we've been taking, usually for decades.
  
  
• We can begin to feel loved. As we tell the truth about our Getting and Protecting Behaviors, we create opportunities for other people to accept and love us as we really are. We'll discuss that process next.

Read more about Finding Real Love