Multiple Comments

There is no real question here – just three comments.

1)       I understand that this is not about placing blame; it is about being honest about how or why you feel the way you feel about something.  That said however I have always been a perfectionist.  I always feel guilty and blame myself for everything.  If I had time to dwell on it, I could make myself believe that the Tsunami in Japan was my fault.  This is something I am working on and have made great strides with.  It does seem to me though that the concept “if I feel angry or disappointed, I am wrong” it reinforces me thinking that everything is my fault.  I am able to reason it out to what I really am wrong about and what I have no control over but this is only after I work at it.  And there is some lingering doubt sometimes. 

2)      I am not sure I believe that you would never be disappointed in someone you love unconditionally.  An example – my son battled a drug problem right after he graduated high school.  We did not speak for several years as he continued his downward spiral.  (His choice; not mine.)  Just this year he came to stay with me for 6 weeks.  He got clean and straightened himself out and seems to have a good head on his shoulders now.  During this I was not judgmental.  I was supportive and patient.  He is now working a steady job.  He has been saving money for an apartment and he has been more responsible.  If however he were to slip and follow that downward spiral again I would again be supportive and patient.  I would let him know that I am here for him and I would not do anything to make him feel bad but instead would show him I love him just as much as before.  However, deep down I would be disappointed.  I would do everything to not show it but I would be disappointed.  I respect the fact that he has the right to choose that if he so desired but I would still be disappointed that he chose it.

3)      There are dozens upon dozens of self-help books on the subject of love and contentment.  People are making millions off of this subject.  However this seems like a conflict of interest to me – especially in Greg Baer’s case.  I understand that everyone needs to make a living however it strikes me as being odd that if Dr. Baer truly loved everyone unconditionally and his only interest was in our happiness he wouldn’t sell the idea.  He would give it away freely as real love.  Possibly charge a nominal fee or take donations.  But his only goal would be to get his message out to benefit our happiness.  I do give him credit that there is a lot of information that is free on the website.  Once someone starts charging, it starts to seem more like a racket.  A way to make money.  Especially since it seems to contradict the core belief.  That Real Love is given freely.  I recently was directed to a Life Coach who uses the Real Love principles and her rates are astronomical.  Classes at another location were very expensive.  Seminars are way out of my price range.  It is a blow to my faith in the idea.  I am still intrigued and like the principles.  I am just bothered by this a little bit.

Hi Redrose,

 A few comments on your comments-

1)  Perfectionism, self-blame and excessive guilt are all products of a lifetime of not feeling accepted and loved just as your are, with your flaws.  No one is perfect, and perfectionism can be real roadblock to happiness.  It inevitably leads to trying to control things and people....a surefire ticket to feeling alone and empty. 

2) About disappointment - you're right, this is a tough one.  Disappointment in yourself is guilt.  Disappointment in others can be a form of victimhood.  It think there's a difference in feeling sadness when people are suffering as opposed to feeling disappointed or inconvenienced by their choices. 

When your son makes choices that mostly inconvenience or hurt only himself, it would seem only natural to feel some sadness about that. Ideally, we want our children to be happy - loving and responsible.  If they choose not to, then we have to accept that we all get to make our own choices and sometimes our choices lead to misery. It is sad when that happens.  I don't know if a remedy exists for that sadness other than doing everything we can to stay filled with love so that we are able to be loving to others....there is comfort in that.  It puts us in a better place for accepting reality.  

Here is what I am finding that I can control:  Learning how to express sadness without adding blame and criticism (disappointment).  This is a challenge for me!  But I have already had experienced feeling more loving when I have been able to do this,   and I could sense that the other person felt more loved in the absense of my disappointment.  When I fail to do this (and I do fail - I am just now learning this stuff) - when I give unsolicited advice, express impatience or even hint at criticism, I feel more empty, less loving....and I know the other person feels unloved by me.  Disappointment makes everything worse.  It implies an expectation that we have.  It is different from geniune concern for someone's happiness, and its different from genuine grief when others are hurting.

3)  Others have expressed your same concerns about the cost of coaching, interventions, etc.  Greg wrote about this in one of his blogs a few weeks ago. Basically he said real love is free.  No one is charging to love you.  Working out your issues - identifying G&P's, areas of weakness, implementing changes - that all takes work.  You can get there faster with help.  You can often get there on your own too - with lots of work, and unflinching honesty....and as Greg once said, humility and faith.

We can spend time judging what others choose to give, speculate etc.  It won't help us much to think about that.  I don't pretend to know how much time Greg or other coaches give of their time, resources.  That is their choice and it is probably much more than we can see.  But let's say that all these books and seminars are a money making "racket".  Wow, then I would have to say,ironically, that snake oil really works sometimes.  I have learned things that I feel are making lasting, positive change in my life.  The time and money I have paid to psychiatrists to help me with my depression did not do as much as reading two Real Love books and making a real effort to apply what I learned.

So, I will just tell you what my dad told me (regarding religion, but still applies):  Don't jump off of a life boat because there are hypocrites on it. 

*I'm not saying anyone is a hypocrite!....just using the illustration.  Maybe if it were called "Real Life" instead of "Real Love" it would be less offensive to some. I'd encourage you to stay and learn, and just take advantage of all the cool free stuff and see what happens.  And be as honest as you can be.

Wishing you Love and Learning,
Brenda

Hi Redrose,

Good observations!

1)       I understand that this is not about placing blame;

Yes, it is about being responsible for our own behaviors.

it is about being honest about how or why you feel the way you feel about something. 

It is also about Telling the TRUTH about when we use unhealthy Getting & Protecting behaviors: lying, attacking, acting like a victim, clinging & running.

That said however I have always been a perfectionist. 

Does that contribute to your peacefulness, ability to love others without conditions and happiness?

That is the goal, here. You're absolutely lovable & acceptable even as a perfectionist 

I always feel guilty and blame myself for everything.

Definitely not happy-making.Still find you lovable & acceptable

If I had time to dwell on it, I could make myself believe that the Tsunami in Japan was my fault.

What happiness comes of that? It's just an event that happened, it doesn't define who you are. Nor help us to SEE you clearly. Still I find you delightfully lovable & acceptable

This is something I am working on and have made great strides with.

It's a process for all of us, too

It does seem to me though that the concept “if I feel angry or disappointed, I am wrong” it reinforces me thinking that everything is my fault.

That's entirely a matter of perspective. I see it as meaning that if anger & disappointment is my result, I am seeing or doing something wrong and that I now have an opportunity to feel loved & accepted while I'm feeling angry and can now make a decision to lose the anger, entirely.You can choose happy or angry, at any given moment. We're not here to change or control your choices at all. We care about your happiness enough to give you the opportunity to learn how to do this many times a day as you need it. ~Your Choice ~

  I am able to reason it out to what I really am wrong about and what I have no control over but this is only after I work at it.  And there is some lingering doubt sometimes. 

Totally understandable, here. If your supply of Unconditional Love is empty, you will use Imitation Love to fill it. If you gather the 20 million worth of Real Love for yourself in those moments, you will be able to make Loving choices for yourself. Hard to do alone, but greatly possible in a loving community like this one, until you're convinced, "It's always about Real Love' that will eliminate the doubt entirely.

2)      I am not sure I believe that you would never be disappointed in someone you love unconditionally.  I hear ya, here. Disappointment is an indication that the love offered is not unconditional. It's a sign that there was an expectation attached to that gift. As humans, we will make mistakes and I strongly suggest making them so you can learn from them. It teaches us what NOT to do the next time and gives us a clear pathway that leads to a peaceful outcome.

An example – my son battled a drug problem right after he graduated high school.  We did not speak for several years as he continued his downward spiral.  (His choice; not mine.)  Just this year he came to stay with me for 6 weeks.  He got clean and straightened himself out and seems to have a good head on his shoulders now.  During this I was not judgmental.  I was supportive and patient.  He is now working a steady job.  He has been saving money for an apartment and he has been more responsible.  If however he were to slip and follow that downward spiral again I would again be supportive and patient.  I would let him know that I am here for him and I would not do anything to make him feel bad but instead would show him I love him just as much as before.  However, deep down I would be disappointed.  I would do everything to not show it but I would be disappointed.  I respect the fact that he has the right to choose that if he so desired but I would still be disappointed that he chose it. Duly-noted, you're still lovable & acceptable and so is your son.

3)      There are dozens upon dozens of self-help books on the subject of love and contentment.  People are making millions off of this subject.
That's just information. Some people are better Entrepreneurs than others. The difference being, how effective is it at creating lasting results? ALL of Greg's books does that. 

 However this seems like a conflict of interest to me – especially in Greg Baer’s case.
That's just information. It doesn't really say much about WHO you are. I still have love & acceptance to offer you.

  I understand that everyone needs to make a living however it strikes me as being odd that if Dr. Baer truly loved everyone unconditionally and his only interest was in our happiness he wouldn’t sell the idea.
It's not the idea he is selling. The cost is in the information that he is making available to the general public-it costs him money to print books, record dvd's, pay his team to put it out there. I'm sure he will tell you about it more IF you ever meet him person. I have no problem in investing in my Happiness, God knows I wasted money in the destruction of my Life & others' before Real Love. This website was once something we had to pay and I gladly did it...grateful it hasn't come to that, today.

 He would give it away freely as real love. He does, freely. It only makes sense to me that you wouldn't know because you haven't spent time with him, yet.

 Possibly charge a nominal fee or take donations.
You're forgetting the Law of Choice, here. He gets to do what he wants when he wants even if you don't like his choices. You're still lovable & acceptable, here.

  But his only goal would be to get his message out to benefit our happiness.
His goal is just that...His. It has nothing to do with you or I. He's the only one in that equation

 I do give him credit that there is a lot of information that is free on the website. 
It's there for you to use, at your convenience.

Once someone starts charging, it starts to seem more like a racket.

Your choice to participate in it, or not

Especially since it seems to contradict the core belief.  That Real Love is given freely.
Real Love is given freely here. The cost is in the materials and it takes money to produce them.
Vendors/staff are getting it, not exclusively ONLY Dr Baer.

 I recently was directed to a Life Coach who uses the Real Love principles and her rates are astronomical.

It's their choice to charge their fees. They are the qualified professionals. You wouldn't go to a Doctor if he were not qualified, right?! Same thing, here. They've invested in their Real Love education, it only makes sense that you would do so, too if you feel led. You're still loved, here

  It is a blow to my faith in the idea.
 How so? Faith is an 'action you take' to become more peaceful, loving & happy. What I see is you're not willing to take action if there's a cost involved and it's ok...glean what you can off of this website-it's ALL FREE!

 I am still intrigued and like the principles.  I am just bothered by this a little bit.
Not a problem at all, it just helps us to SEE, accept & Love you in this moment.
I care about ya,
~ Robin ~