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Expectations & Other Mistakes |
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RebeccaE 
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Joined: 30 Jun 2010 Location: Bakersfield Online Status: Offline Posts: 39 |
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 Topic: Expectations & Other MistakesPosted: 08 Jul 2011 at 5:29pm |
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Law of Expectation: We never have the right to expect that another person will do anything for us, will love us, or will make us happy. The one exception to this law is a very specific promise—I will call you tomorrow at ***Even though I know this from reading, I still made and make this mistake when dating.***
I've been talking to this woman for about 2 months, have made several calls around what's happened, we were chatting online and emailing. I critized her for not emailing as often as I was in the beginning. I wasn't happy waiting for too long to hear back. I was judgemental thinking it should be happening sooner. That that meant she was more intrested. I feel bad about this mistake.
I was controlling, by not accepting the attention in the way that she was giving it to me and the amount. I see now that I had expecations, I expected relationships to start with people calling each other and emailing more regulary. That this shows true intrest and a seriousness with getting together. I was rushing things because I wasn't happy and wanted more.
She could feel these expecatations. I want to email her and apologize, say I'm sorry for being the way I've been... but I told her that if she wanted to talk then great and if not great... that I'd understand.
I didn't understand why she wouldn't talk on the phone, but now I am remembering that she gets to make this choice and I don't get to try and control or change it. I thought this was something that could go somewhere.. I wish I had it in me to just accept the attention she was giving me without the moments of angry attacking that I gave her. Sure, I don't want a relationship where I have to keep starting contact and that feels off balance like that, and where I'm building resentment because they won't talk to me on the phone.
I see in me "need" too much need and she isn't the place for me to get and recieve love from, so I'm here and working hard not to send her a msg today. I don't like that I was that needy in just meeting and starting to talk with her. Obviously, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and it's not loving to try and control that choice and make her talk to me, because I want it. I want to talk to her so much right now... Whatever... I may have not been too loving but I did my best & I have to tell myself that I'm still lovable & worthy of being loved.
blah blah blah... I have not failed, I am working everyday on my mistakes, I am remembering I am loved even with these mistakes. I think she deserves to be loved like everyone else. I think I do too.
Becca
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RLP Angla Nin
Real Love Coach 
Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311 |
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Posted: 08 Jul 2011 at 9:06pm |
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Hey Rebecca,
Because we've talked about this I'm going to pass on commenting except for one thing.
You said: I may have not been too loving but I did my best & I have to tell myself that I'm still lovable & worthy of being loved.
Yes, you are lovable and worthy of love.
My question to you is, do you want to add happy to lovable and worthy of being loved? And automatically I think that you'd probably say something like, "duh....of course." But it's a very serious and real question and one that you might want to think very seriously about. Do I want to be happy? Have the ways that I've tried so far in my life worked, or worked for any length of time? What am I willing to do to be genuinely happy? I ask you this because just knowing that you're loved and worthy of loved is only part of what it takes to change your life.
Love to you,
Angela
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Certified Real Love Coach~
amurray@reallove.com |
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RLP Angla Nin
Real Love Coach
Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311 |
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Posted: 08 Jul 2011 at 9:08pm |
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And honey I do love and care about you a bunch!
 Angela
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Certified Real Love Coach~
amurray@reallove.com |
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RebeccaE
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Joined: 30 Jun 2010 Location: Bakersfield Online Status: Offline Posts: 39 |
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Posted: 10 Jul 2011 at 5:47pm |
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Angela, I'm tired of experiencing "wanting" to be happy. I'm making it a point to create more happiness in my life now. I get angry when I fall short and see myself making ungrateful, selfish choices that are unloving. I guess that's impatience with my rate of growth. Michelle seemed really nice, she asked questions about me and seemed intrested in knowing me, at the same time, I wasn't happy with the speed of her getting comfortable with talking on the phone. I was demanding because I wanted different. Because I was afraid of being used again, I can't stand lies and simple lies people tell to me, I find that I get annoyed or angry about. I'm not asking myself why, what's the point of getting angry when I see people lying, learning it's pointless.
Just to note the lies and move on. I keep finding that I can't tell people who their being, as I'm not loving enough for it to come across as well intentioned. I have seen myself having huge expectations when I do, so how to not be used, and commuicate what you need to someone without them choosing to stop talking to me is my problem. I'm tired of this theme replaying.
I'm tired of people shutting me out, this isn't happy at all. I say something about their behavior and I get shut out, I see others say things about how people treat them and things work out fine, they are assertative and it's okay, when I assert myself, I'm shut out but if I don't I'm used. My head hurts from it all.
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RoknRob121
Wise Person 
Joined: 04 Jul 2007 Location: Hilo, Hawaii Online Status: Offline Posts: 870 |
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Posted: 10 Jul 2011 at 6:46pm |
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Hi Rebecca,
I see your struggle and believe me, I want relief for you, too.
My question to you is this: How peaceful, loving & happy are you?
I love & accept you as you are because Real Love is my Lifestyle.
I wouldn't engage in a relationship with anyone until I am sure
that I am GOLD=peaceful, loving & happy already
or that my partner is GOLD=peaceful, loving & happy already
Get my drift?
You've been here for awhile and made all the necessary mistakes
so, you must be exhausted!!! I hear you, SEE you & feel you there!
Have you ever taken time to become GOLD, first?
I've watched you jump from one person to the next
and still remain confused, disappointed & frustrated.
You're still lovable & acceptable to me, but wouldn't you like
to get off of that hamster wheel and experience peace, love & happiness
without a partner, first?
The point I'm trying to make is this.
No one comes into Real Love with 20 Million dollars worth of Love & acceptance already.
We have had to make the effort to find Love for ourselves, take the time to get to a place of peace, to have the ability to love others without conditions and feel genuine happiness first, in order to gift it away.
What I saw you do is: said Yes, to the information, Yes I want Unconditional Love, Yes, I think I've got it now... let me try that with my current g/f, my ex g/f, and anyone new willing to love me.
If I'm wrong you may tell me, I can hear it in a Loving way 2day.
There is a necessary step you haven't tried yet. Are you willing to try it?
It's called "playing a solo instrument" as Greg puts it in his books.
Before you can become part of a duet, you must be able to play a solo instrument well
before a duet can be formed; but did you know that there is a qualifying stage for that, too?
I didn't know that, until I watched it on TV.
Musicians are very selective as to whom they will play with.
They audition many instrumentalists before they decide on one who is a perfect partner for them.
And that's just on a collaborative level.
They wouldn't look for another cellist if they play the cello already. Who needs 2 melodies?
There needs to be one who plays the melody & one who will play the harmony.
It's an accompaniment, one who compliments what he/she already does well.
Is that a clear analogy you can use?
You choose a partner who adds to your happiness because you are already happy.
You choose a partner who is already peaceful, because you are.
You choose a partner with whom you play the melody & she adds the harnony.
I'm here on Team Happy
 cheering you on!!!I know you want this, I BELIEVE in you!
The condition you need to be in b4 engaging in a relationship is:
Peaceful, Loving & Happy Your happiness matters that much to me, ~ Robin ~
808-463-6386
Edited by RoknRob121 - 10 Jul 2011 at 6:51pm |
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~ I'm the one to call when you are ready to tell the TRUTH about it all~ 808-494-1505
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RebeccaE
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Joined: 30 Jun 2010 Location: Bakersfield Online Status: Offline Posts: 39 |
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Posted: 11 Jul 2011 at 1:06am |
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Dear Robyn, My unrest lies in worrying if someone will like me, saying the right things, doing the right things as I'm not that dating literate. I got excited at the possibility of meeting someone that wanted a long term relationship and live in situation, as it's what I want and it's been a long time. Then dealing with feelings and conflicts of is this supposed to go like this, is this one of the ones I should walk away from early, can she love me or not question.
I'm good at being used when dating, so I stopped completely for a long time, that scares me, so I'm making it a point to learn to speak up and it just looks like I'm a bad guy for saying hey I don't like this. ugh.. I just want to know this dating real love way stuff now, but I can't learn it.. until I learn it.. and that bugs me because I am good at blaming myself for it all.
I know it must seem to like I'm in and out of all these relationships, I keep thinking how you could come to that. I wanted to argue that point and defend myself. I feel a bit like doing that now, but remember that I'm loved even if I were in and out of relationships.
I got excited about living with a partner again, have been alone for the past 9 years. I'm happy often being single, I have my lonely moments, usually when I post or call. I have chased after one woman for 8 years, I was single. Making poor dating choices, that was unhappy making, I did that to myself. Whatever, I wish her well, and still care for her and hope she's happy. I dated 2 years straight, one lady that recently tried to come back. I made a poor mistake to go for a couple months recently trying to rekindle that out of lonliness and fear of being alone.
I guess this is what feuled my demanding hurry up attitude recently. I screwed myself, but I'm not going to do another stay by yourself time off, I took time off for years. I'm tired of time off, I"m tired of being single, I'm tired of not knowing how to patiently date in a loving way.
I am going to screw up, I know this, as I'm learning.. sucked but I'll always be single and alone if I don't put myself out there.. and it may be good for some, it's not the life I want. I don't think that means that I'm not happy, loving and peaceful.
I have heck of moments where I am not peaceful, kids work crazy.. ack... ! I'm getting better with them, working to be more organized and accepting of my kids messy crazyiness. I'm learning how to love them when I see they are empty and not beat up myself so bad.. even with all these crazy moments of unpeace. I still think I deserve a partner happy.
no, I know partner isn't the end all to happiness... huh... this email just looks like defending myself.. I may not know how to address your questions in a non defending way. so I'm stopping.
Becca
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bren
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Joined: 10 Dec 2008 Online Status: Offline Posts: 101 |
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Posted: 11 Jul 2011 at 3:24pm |
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Robin I really got a lot out of your reply to Becca. Unless we are happy alone, we probably won't be happy in a relationship either.
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RebeccaE
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Joined: 30 Jun 2010 Location: Bakersfield Online Status: Offline Posts: 39 |
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Posted: 12 Jul 2011 at 11:26am |
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I agree with you both. I also feel that having moments where one feels unhappy while we are alone or single, doesn't make up the majority percentage of our happiness quotient. I'm not happy with dating mistakes as they are miserable making, but I'm happy with so many other things. I am blessed to have moved beyond feeling so unhappy that I wanted to end my life and such, rejections don't sent me into periods of depression where I can't get out of bed. I have made progress. I may be upset with this last endeavor to attract, start up a postive connection. I'm okay though, lessons learned and working on past ones of letting go.
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jelina
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Joined: 15 Jul 2011 Location: UK Online Status: Offline Posts: 1 |
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Posted: 15 Jul 2011 at 5:52am |
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RoknRob121
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Joined: 04 Jul 2007 Location: Hilo, Hawaii Online Status: Offline Posts: 870 |
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Posted: 27 Jul 2011 at 10:20pm |
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Hi Bren & Becca,
I just keep practicing unconditional Love & acceptance of others whether they are a potential partner or not. I make it a point to "Live this stuff" literally Because...my LIFE depends on it!!! Real Love is Life to me, It's my necessary air, food & water for my soul. You're still lovable & acceptable to me, mistakes and all Keep making them and learning from them 'what you can do better' I applaud you on your Journey. It's always a joy experiencing life with you! ~ Robin ~ Edited by RoknRob121 - 01 Aug 2011 at 10:04pm |
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~ I'm the one to call when you are ready to tell the TRUTH about it all~ 808-494-1505
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