Relationships and demands

Lets say your friend treats you bad, she is rude while talking to you. Shouldn't he be able to tell her how he wants to be treated? As far as I understand it the way to go is to not be mad or disappointed. But there is this part with consequences too.. If she keeps being rude while talking to you, you couldn't possibly keep that up for long.. You would make some consequences to get rid of the burden, you would stop hanging out with her, or call her because you see that you deserve better treatment. But the demand is still there even if you dont actually demand it directly to the person, you are just showing the person the consequenses of not being nice. You just dont hang out with the person. Then the person was really subjected to a demand wasn't he?

Sølve


Edited by DeathereX - 06 Jul 2011 at 1:32pm

Hi Solve,

Oh yeah honey, ask on. I was giving you information.

The question is Always "can someone hear me" when I make an attempt to love and teach them?

 

***Just excuse yourself and walk away.  A person would have to be very loving to be able to say “if you are rude I leave” and have it not come across as an attack or threat. Sometimes, actually lots of times, just removing yourself from the situation is the only thing to do, realizing that YOU are not loving enough to be in the presence of this person who is being rude. Be quiet, be wrong, feel loved, get loved, be loving. 

 

Friend is rude --> you communicate a request of behavior change (request made but becomes a demand if your friend doesn't care to listen to you)

 

***One can request ANYTHING from a partner as long as there is no expectation about the response and as long as one is Not Angry in Any Way. In this instance, your concern is for yourself, not in her well-being, and she won’t be able to hear you. 

Friend is rude --> you communicate a demand for change (demand made)

 

***Field of Death.

 

You can make a consequence, but you are NOT trying to change someone's behavior, you are simply stating the consequences of their actions in the first option.

 

***Unless this person is your child or your employee, imposing “consequences” isn’t up to you.

 

Law of choice doesn't mean freedom from consequence.

 

***That’s true. We are always responsible for the results of our choices. The choices of others, for the most part, are none of our business. And this is where you've wandered off into the weeds again.  You think this rude behavior is about her when it's really about you and your reaction.

 

As far as I understand it making demands are WRONG ALWAYS. Because you are trying to change the person to your liking.

 

***Correct. It's unloving and pointless, because it doesn't work.

Good morning everyone, this is a good topic imo and I have a question about it: what if the person being rude, disrespectful etc is your partner/husband/wife etc?

 

***Then you say “I’m not loving enough to continue this conversation” and you leave the room.

 

It seems to me to just say 'if you're going to be rude I leave' and then leave (the room) is great, but if they go on and on doing it do you then just divorce them?

 

***The purpose is to not engage in an argument with a drowning person, not make demands.  If you leave the room and he follows, then go outside.  If he follows you outside, get in your car and drive away. Eventually he’ll learn that you won’t fight.

 

Because that seems to be quite radical! I would say personally giving them the opportunity first to be aware of how you view the situation and therefore the opportunity to CHANGE (yes, I did say it ) seems to be more reasonable.

 

What do you think?

 

***You do not get to change anybody except yourself.  The Law of Choice says that everybody gets to make their own choices.  You want him to change because you don’t like his behavior.  You do have choices, as I described above.  Neither of you feels loved by the other, so until That changes, it will be difficult for Anything to change.

 

And yes this is my situation with my husband who loses his temper on a regular basis over stuff I have no prior knowledge of. It is shocking every time, and the long term consequence is that it is affecting my feelings for him in the sense that I am withdrawing emotionally.

 

***That’s understandable.  You came to this relationship broken and bleeding already and you thought he would make you happy. 

 

I would say that this emotional withdrawal is not a getting behaviour.

 

***It’s running, for one, which is a protecting behavior.

 

***Who does?  It’s a huge “I don’t love you” message. And believe me, I really get it.  I’ve been abused too--run away, and continued to find more men who were either emotionally bankrupt or abusive.  Until you begin to understand your behavior and your part in why your life is as it is, you’ll keep repeating it over and over. You are just empty from never having any Real Love from ANYBODY and that is the worse wound of all. 

and I know that if this continues I will want to be away from him permanently in the end, without wishing him any harm, just because it's unpleasant.

 

***And if you do that, you’ll have learned nothing.  You’ll probably find another relationship much like this one.

 

Your opinions are very welcome

 

***Nobody feels loved in this relationship because neither received enough or any Real Love as children.  As a result, he uses Anger and Attacking as a way to feel better.  You Act Like a Victim and Run when he does.  All these behaviors are understandable and terribly destructive.  I’d suggest any number of books by Greg Baer, but you might start with the original Real Love, the truth about unconditional love and fulfilling relationships.  After that, you could get the Real Love in Marriage book.  I also very much like Greg’s latest on Post Childhood Stress Disorder.  You will have to take the necessary steps to find and feel Real Love yourself. 

 

Blessings,

KarenH

 

 

Edited by rlpkaren - 03 Aug 2011 at 9:42am