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Romantic Real Love |
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BenjyP 
New Member 
Joined: 25 Jun 2011 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 6 |
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 Topic: Romantic Real LovePosted: 26 Jun 2011 at 8:55pm |
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I'm someone who has felt pretty cut off from my own feelings and so clouded by getting/protecting behaviors that I've never felt in love -- aka a sense of romantic, monogamous love where I'm not only more concerned about the other person's happiness and well being, but that I'm so drawn to that person in healthy ways that I feel like I want to commit to only them.
So my question is this...I feel like Greg is suggesting that we should feel loving and accepting of all faults and flaws of all people...but doesn't that level the playing field in a negative way? What's the ideal situation of being "in love" with somebody? How does that happen if we're loving everyone equally? I think I know the answer, but I'm still pretty confused and would love some feedback.
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PeteU
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Joined: 28 Apr 2011 Location: Nr Coventry, UK Online Status: Offline Posts: 16 |
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Posted: 01 Jul 2011 at 5:29am |
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Hi Benjy,
This is my take on your question. I am only new to Real Love too, so this is my take for where I am at in my learning journey. I now know that I have been cut off from my feelings too - all my life. It was how I protected myself from the pain of criticism and judgement as a child. I married my wife, Nikki, 23 years ago and we have two children. It was only recently that I found out through Real Love that I had NEVER loved my wife OR my children. I simply didn't know how to. I was drawn to her because we had a high level and equal exchange of immitation love at the time and so 'fell in love'. The equal exchange probably stayed the same up until the point we got engaged, then it all became about the wedding and her, and only levelled back out after the ceremonies. By the time my daughter arrived a year later the equal exchange ended for good. As a result of a near divorce 6 months ago, we found Greg and went on an intervention. It is only now for the first time that I firstly understood and then FELT what love truly is. It didn't come in fireworks and flowers and mad passionate love, it has come in little flutters, moments of the deepest sense of peace and contentment. And over time these have got slightly longer and slightly more peaceful. Hardly noticeable, but more powerful all the same. Love is a FEELING and if you have been cut off from your feelings then you have to learn how to feel and this takes time. Greg's books describe how first of all you need to feel loved. This way you can start to loosen up on all those getting and protecting behaviours. Only once you feel loved yourself, can you start to properly give unconditional love to someone else. What I guess should happen for you Benjy is this. Continue with Real Love processes to really understand the feeling of being loved by total strangers. This is kinda strange at first, but really gets you to understand what the feeling is all about. You will start to fill up yourself and will naturally become more accepting of the flaws and faults in other people. Oh and there's no better place to find 'strangers' in the first instance than here   .But the thing is here is that you don't have to like everybody. You can still be loving toward them in very brief interactions but you don't have to start hanging out with them. You will still be you and there will be values that you hold higher than others and they are the ones that your friends and closer friends will tend to play out too. And then one day, you will meet someone who kinda stirs a stronger feeling. And my money goes on the fact that this person will be someone who is open to admiting their own truths and accepting they have got their own flaws without hiding them behind zillions of getting and protecting behaviours. Gradually you will get to know that person for who they truly are and when they let you know that they also accept you for who you truly are (because you won't be hiding behind your getting and protecting behaviours anymore either  ), that is when you will feel your new 'in love' feeling - except this one will be for real and forever.    Benjy, relax. Don't worry that you've never felt in love - congratulate yourself that you haven't fallen headlong into a potentially harmful and loveless relationship. Take it slowly, no pressure on yourself. Learn that loving feeling first then go share it - you'll feel it even more then too. And one day - whenever - that special person will show up. Why? Because YOU were READY to attract the RIGHT one. Still confused? Nah. Ready to start getting ready to attract the perfect partner? You bet. Love you Pete |
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rlpkaren
Real Love Coach 
Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708 |
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Posted: 01 Jul 2011 at 1:42pm |
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I'm someone who has felt pretty cut off from my own feelings and so clouded by getting/protecting behaviors that I've never felt in love -- aka a sense of romantic, monogamous love where I'm not only more concerned about the other person's happiness and well being, but that I'm so drawn to that person in healthy ways that I feel like I want to commit to only them. ***That’s a pretty honest assessment. Good on ya for seeing that. So my question is this...I feel like Greg is suggesting that we should feel loving and accepting of all faults and flaws of all people...but doesn't that level the playing field in a negative way? ***What I believe Greg says/means is that we can learn to “love” anybody. We accept their flaws and humanity and have compassion for them as they act out from their pain. We care about their happiness. The fact that we can love anybody does not mean that we love every person the same or that some are not easier to love than others. Or that we would choose to spend our time with “everybody”. Greg says, for example, that he could love someone who is violent and uses drugs, but that he wouldn’t choose to spend his spare time with them. There also might be certain things you want in a partner—for example, a certain religious view, a non-smoker, etc. There is nothing wrong with that. There are certain things that may be "deal breakers" as far as searching for a partner. I don’t know what you mean by “level the playing field in the negative way” so can’t really speak to that. What's the ideal situation of being "in love" with somebody? How does that happen if we're loving everyone equally? ***I think I sort of answered that above. Pete has given you some nice feedback also. What I would say is that as of right now, you aren’t capable of loving anyone unconditionally. That’s not meant in a negative way, just sayin. Right now any romantic relationship would be trading Imitation Love. Learning the principles and practicing them would be a better choice for now.  |
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Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.
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