Need some help!

very

   Something for you to consider . . . she's very smart.  She is also not above playing you and your husband like a fiddle.  She'll say whatever she thinks you want to hear in order to continue getting her fix of Imitation Love.  She doesn't take you seriously (in my opinion).  I sent your e-mail about her drinking to Greg Baer, and he said the following:

"This has to be treated like a serious medical condition. The kid has to get that. If that means keeping her home and teaching her RL principles, fine. If it means calling cops when she drinks underage, and putting her in youth detention facility, and prosecuting those who gave her the alcohol---fine. Drinking leads to death in seconds, when people are driving. It can't continue. Lots of mistakes can improve gradually. Drinking isn't one of them."

He also said it's not about drinking--it's about her feeling loved.  It's not about punishment.  It's about her understanding that certain behaviors will produce consequences that nobody will be happy with. He also asked about your marriage.  Julie, I can't tell you what to do!  Knowing the principles is just knowing a bunch of principles. It's nice, but it's not feeling loved.  You can continue to call people for support who know nothing about Real Love, that is absolutely up to you.  You can continue writing to the Forum after each disaster and I'll love you and answer you. The truth (as it appears to me) is that NOBODY feels loved--not really.  Not you, not her, certainly not your husband. 

Blessings,
KarenH

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rlpkaren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708	Post Options Post Reply Quote rlpkaren Report Post Quote Reply Topic: Need some help! Posted: 15 Apr 2011 at 12:15pm
	Something for you to consider . . . she's very smart. She is also not above playing you and your husband like a fiddle. She'll say whatever she thinks you want to hear in order to continue getting her fix of Imitation Love. She doesn't take you seriously (in my opinion). I sent your e-mail about her drinking to Greg Baer, and he said the following: "This has to be treated like a serious medical condition. The kid has to get that. If that means keeping her home and teaching her RL principles, fine. If it means calling cops when she drinks underage, and putting her in youth detention facility, and prosecuting those who gave her the alcohol---fine. Drinking leads to death in seconds, when people are driving. It can't continue. Lots of mistakes can improve gradually. Drinking isn't one of them." He also said it's not about drinking--it's about her feeling loved. It's not about punishment. It's about her understanding that certain behaviors will produce consequences that nobody will be happy with. He also asked about your marriage. Julie, I can't tell you what to do! Knowing the principles is just knowing a bunch of principles. It's nice, but it's not feeling loved. You can continue to call people for support who know nothing about Real Love, that is absolutely up to you. You can continue writing to the Forum after each disaster and I'll love you and answer you. The truth (as it appears to me) is that NOBODY feels loved--not really. Not you, not her, certainly not your husband. Blessings, KarenH
	Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.

Julifer Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Chicago Online Status: Offline Posts: 36	Post Options Post Reply Quote Julifer Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 15 Apr 2011 at 6:38pm
	I guess that is where it gets confusing for us! We haven't loved her like we should have so we shouldn't expect her to make conscious and clear decisions. So putting her into those circumstances to make her own choices to which she will probably fail, is stupid on our part? She keeps asking to go out. We told her as far as being out late is a no but that doesn't stop her from drinking if she wanted to during the day. We can't lock her up. No kid in the world is going to say to their parent....we are going to drink tonight? Unless they condone it! I don't know. She was asked to prom by a Jr....she is a sophomore (16) and apparently parents let their kids attend the dance and then all of them spend the night somewhere together as a group and then go to a park the next day which happens to be on Mother's Day! She also wants an expensive dress and doesn't want me to come along to pick it out but she wants my pocket book. We really cannot determine betweeen being a doormat and letting her make her own choices. Some days it seems like a free for all! I cannot imagine anyone letting their teens spend the night with boys! My husband and I are doing very well by the way and he has been a changed man with this program. As I mentioned earlier, we go to a couples group and we started the DVD series. My husband was a huge support last week talking about his anger because a lot of people were not buying into this program and he really helped a lot of people feel more at ease.

RLP Angla Nin Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311	Post Options Post Reply Quote RLP Angla Nin Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 16 Apr 2011 at 2:54pm
	Hey Julie, I can't tell you what you to do about your daughter. If it were my underage child going through all that your daughter is going through right now, I'd do the following. 1. Accept responsibility that I messed up with her. I'd explain to HER how I knew absolutely ZERO about loving and teaching her and I'd GIVE EXAMPLES from past mistakes. 2. Tell her that I'm doing my best NOW to be a more loving and responsible mom and then I'd explain what that looks like. I'd outline how things are going to be from NOW ON. 3. I'd let her know that she can be as angry at me as she needed or wanted to be. And I'd acknowledge to her how unfair this must feel and how confusing and frightening as well. 4. I'd ASK for her input as to what she might consider reasonable or fair to HELP accomplish the goals that will contribute to her health and safety as well as others. Drinking and driving KILLS. Maybe she'd be willing for me to chaperone at the prom and drive her home, afterward or maybe even spend the night at the party, NO KIDDING. Julie, you're not a hostage to your past or to your daughter's feelings. You have a responsibility as a parent to love and teach. You have options. If you don't keep her off of the streets while drunk, the penal system will. She's NOT bad. She's in pain. And so are you and your husband. I strongly suggest an intervention with Greg. You're going to need support, guidance and love consistently until you all begin to heal. You'd also benefit by having a coach, both you AND your husband. You DON't need suggestions on how to handle your daughters feelings, wants and demands. Those suggestions would be no more than taking a pill for a tumor. Love to you, Angela
	Certified Real Love Coach~ amurray@reallove.com

RLP Angla Nin Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311	Post Options Post Reply Quote RLP Angla Nin Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 16 Apr 2011 at 2:56pm
	Oh and Julie, and I'd tell her how frightened I am too. I'd let her know what I'm doing to become healthier and wiser and more loving. Love you honey.
	Certified Real Love Coach~ amurray@reallove.com