Need some help!

screaming

   Recently our daughter has been a roller coaster.  Applying the Real Love prinicples with her has helped but it is slow going and understandably so.  Recently our daughter has been wanting to go out more and more with a lot of different friends.  When we ask for information as to where, when and so on, she has been leaving out details that we catch her in.  Such as spending the night somewhere and the parents call and say, "did you know we were going out of town?" We then do not let her go and explain that leaving out details means she is hiding something.

The basketball team had a party overnight and I didn't want her going but we told her we would let her go (trusting she would make good decisions.)  We called the dad and they were going to be home and later we found out the Father bought a keg for the girls. She told us she did drink that night. 

Since then, we have had trouble trusting her.  When we came home from vacation, she asked to spend the night at a friends.  I said, YES!  After a few little ideosyncrasies, I started getting nervous and called her good friend's mom, who was in Florida at the time.  OOPS!  We called her at her party and said to come home by curfew. She was planning on going to another party and staying there. She then came home drunk!  

We took her phone, laptop and communications away and said when you are ready to tell us the truth of how I know it, because I know what happened (cuz I called around to three other parents and none of the stories coincided!"

We are giving her her phone back tonight after a week because of truthfulness and good behavior.  If she acted snotty or anything we were keeping it til Sunday.  We had a super long talk last week and it went really well.  She opened up about why she has been angry at us for a year and wouldn't admit it.  It was the reason I thought which goes to the theory on "When your parents let you down it is the biggest disappointment in her life."  I have done all the steps to reconcile that but she has been unwilling to accept that love and we understand that and told her so.  I think she understands that now and has been hugging us more and seems more open with us.  WE DID NOT GET MAD AT HER OR SHOW ANY ANGER.....SHE SEEMED VERY COMFORTABLE and Relaxed.

Now we don't know what to do from here. We have grounded her from any sleepovers for a month.  We want to talk to her about future drinking but think that might show we don't trust her not to do it again and I know she knows what not to do. How can we approach this situation without making her feel unloved and untrusted. We don't want to control her and feel like we still are.  I would love to know what I did that hurt, what I can do to help and how to act in the future when or if this happens again. 

Author	Message Share Topic Printable Version Delicious Digg Facebook Furl Google Boomarks Google Buzz MySpace Newsvine reddit StumbleUpon Translate Twitter Windows Live Yahoo Bookmarks Topic Search Topic Options Post Reply Create New Topic
Julifer Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Chicago Online Status: Offline Posts: 36	Post Options Post Reply Quote Julifer Report Post Quote Reply Topic: Need some help! Posted: 08 Apr 2011 at 1:31pm
	Recently our daughter has been a roller coaster. Applying the Real Love prinicples with her has helped but it is slow going and understandably so. Recently our daughter has been wanting to go out more and more with a lot of different friends. When we ask for information as to where, when and so on, she has been leaving out details that we catch her in. Such as spending the night somewhere and the parents call and say, "did you know we were going out of town?" We then do not let her go and explain that leaving out details means she is hiding something. The basketball team had a party overnight and I didn't want her going but we told her we would let her go (trusting she would make good decisions.) We called the dad and they were going to be home and later we found out the Father bought a keg for the girls. She told us she did drink that night. Since then, we have had trouble trusting her. When we came home from vacation, she asked to spend the night at a friends. I said, YES! After a few little ideosyncrasies, I started getting nervous and called her good friend's mom, who was in Florida at the time. OOPS! We called her at her party and said to come home by curfew. She was planning on going to another party and staying there. She then came home drunk! We took her phone, laptop and communications away and said when you are ready to tell us the truth of how I know it, because I know what happened (cuz I called around to three other parents and none of the stories coincided!" We are giving her her phone back tonight after a week because of truthfulness and good behavior. If she acted snotty or anything we were keeping it til Sunday. We had a super long talk last week and it went really well. She opened up about why she has been angry at us for a year and wouldn't admit it. It was the reason I thought which goes to the theory on "When your parents let you down it is the biggest disappointment in her life." I have done all the steps to reconcile that but she has been unwilling to accept that love and we understand that and told her so. I think she understands that now and has been hugging us more and seems more open with us. WE DID NOT GET MAD AT HER OR SHOW ANY ANGER.....SHE SEEMED VERY COMFORTABLE and Relaxed. Now we don't know what to do from here. We have grounded her from any sleepovers for a month. We want to talk to her about future drinking but think that might show we don't trust her not to do it again and I know she knows what not to do. How can we approach this situation without making her feel unloved and untrusted. We don't want to control her and feel like we still are. I would love to know what I did that hurt, what I can do to help and how to act in the future when or if this happens again.

Cristina Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List New Member Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Romania Online Status: Offline Posts: 2	Post Options Post Reply Quote Cristina Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 13 Apr 2011 at 1:21am
	Hi, I am not a parent in USA but I think the problems are the same everywhere. I wouldn't tell her not to drink, she will do it anyway. Instead I would find a good moment to watch some videos with young people who drink and drive and made some accidents that distroied their lives. I would find some mouvies with a young person or not who lost himself in alcohol. She would see what drinking can do but make sure you don't tell her: "do not drink". She is young and "she knows best". If you think more you will find they are still inocent and sweet is just that they want to be grown-ups and they don't know how. I would also try to spend some time with her, a week-end away or a holliday with the familly, if she still accepts them. It is hard to be a parent of a teenager, I admire you for trying so hard and I hope I will do the same when my daughter will grow up.

rlpkaren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708	Post Options Post Reply Quote rlpkaren Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 13 Apr 2011 at 9:52am
	Hi Julie . . . I'm not ignoring you, although it may seem that way. I've communicated with Greg about your post and will get to it. Unfortunately, I'm in a crunch at work and haven't had time in the evening either. You're on my list! Love, Karen
	Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.

Julifer Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Chicago Online Status: Offline Posts: 36	Post Options Post Reply Quote Julifer Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 13 Apr 2011 at 2:38pm
	@Cristina, We did tell her that it is illegal in this country to drink and if caught, the penalties in jail are far worse than a phone taken away. We learned through this study she has her own choices to make. We did not tell her not to drink, but we did say it is illegal. She drank across the street from a police station!!! I think that is the one thing we are afraid to say anything in fear of being the wrong thing that will put her square one right where she was. We actually told her that when we found out about her "mistake" we kind of chuckled. She laughed at us and said really? We said we love you no matter what and this doesn't make either one of us think any less of you! She smiled and felt relieved and told us more "of what I really wished I didn't know!" I share my story with so many of my friends about my mistakes as a parent and to love their kids more and let them make their choices without anger and it is very hard for parents to absorb....they want to justify their anger. @Karen, I have to say I was feeling empty and afraid this week and the ignoring part did cross my mind.....I felt kicked out of the herd! I don't like that feeling at all and it makes me feel very afraid. My bucket was dry after this incident. Everytime I let my daughter out of the house, she fires another hole in it. However, I do find that the feeling is less and less and I am more capable of feeling stronger in handling each experience that comes along, especially with the support of my spouse....that helps a great deal! It is like we are on a whole new journey TOGETHER!

rlpkaren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708	Post Options Post Reply Quote rlpkaren Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 13 Apr 2011 at 3:15pm
	Hi Julie . . . again, only have a minute here. I'll be working late tonight as well. Don't worry, nobody gets kicked out of the herd. If you had phone numbers and were making calls, yada yada yada. The biggest problem with drinking isn't arrest, although that is one thing that can happen. The big problem with drinking and driving is dead. No kidding. AND I certainly hope you're having discussions about sex and STDs, since that's another by-product of getting drunk. You're talking to somebody who knows of what she speaks. I'm just fortunate that I lived through some of the stupid behavior I engaged in. My short answer for right now is consider a weekend for your family with Greg rather than going on a nice vacation that will just momentarily make everybody feel good. Okay, break's over. Back to work. And the answer from our new Romanian friend, while well-meaning, is typical Imitation Love thinking and not helpful. Love you, Karen
	Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.

Cristina Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List New Member Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Romania Online Status: Offline Posts: 2	Post Options Post Reply Quote Cristina Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 14 Apr 2011 at 3:14am
	Well, sorry I didn't gave the right answers, they just worked on me. Looks like I have a lot to learn. :)

rlpkaren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708	Post Options Post Reply Quote rlpkaren Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 14 Apr 2011 at 11:27am
	Not to worry Christina. This whole website is dedicated to the principles taught by Greg Baer in his series of Real Love books. One of the things you learn is that "wrong" does not equal "bad" and we only can do what we know. It might be helpful for you if you watch the Essentials of Real Love that is free on the website, or read some of the other information. There really is much here to learn and we are happy to teach you and to answer your questions. Even reading through all of the posts will start to give you an idea of what Real Love is about. Love and Blessings, KarenH Certified Real Love Coach
	Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.

RLP Angla Nin Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311	Post Options Post Reply Quote RLP Angla Nin Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 14 Apr 2011 at 12:49pm
	Hi Julie, Recently our daughter has been a roller coaster. Because....... Applying the Real Love prinicples with her has helped but it is slow going and understandably so. Because........ Recently our daughter has been wanting to go out more and more with a lot of different friends. Why do you think that this is happening? When we ask for information as to where, when and so on, she has been leaving out details that we catch her in. Hmmm......so she's lying and when you say "catch" how are you feeling about this? Such as spending the night somewhere and the parents call and say, "did you know we were going out of town?" Is this the catching that you're talking about. We then do not let her go and explain that leaving out details means she is hiding something. Why do you think she's leaving out details? And is your decision not to let her go a punishment, or a consequence? The explanation above sounds like a punishment for her behavior as opposed to a consequence which would sound something like this; We then told her that she could not go because we based our decision of incomplete information. Can you see the difference Julie? The basketball team had a party overnight and I didn't want her going Why not? but we told her we would let her go (trusting she would make good decisions.) Is this why you let her go? Because you had the belief that after years of being taught how to be irresponsible and feeling unloved that she'd suddenly behave as if she WERE responsible and felt loved? Hmmm..... We called the dad and they were going to be home and later we found out the Father bought a keg for the girls. She told us she did drink that night. How do you think you could have handled this entire situation differently to avoid the information gap? Since then, we have had trouble trusting her. I bet. You're all drowning at least at many moments. When we came home from vacation, she asked to spend the night at a friends. I said, YES! After a few little ideosyncrasies, I started getting nervous and called her good friend's mom, who was in Florida at the time. OOPS! We called her at her party and said to come home by curfew. She was planning on going to another party and staying there. She then came home drunk! We took her phone, laptop and communications away and said when you are ready to tell us the truth of how I know it, because I know what happened (cuz I called around to three other parents and none of the stories coincided!" So Julie, here you have this kid who is screaming at you with all of her behavior saying I don't feel loved, I'm afraid, I'm willing to try anything to NOT feel so crappy and so I ask you; What does she need more than anything else in the whole wide world? We are giving her her phone back tonight after a week because of truthfulness and good behavior. If she acted snotty or anything we were keeping it til Sunday. We had a super long talk last week and it went really well. She opened up about why she has been angry at us for a year and wouldn't admit it. It was the reason I thought which goes to the theory on "When your parents let you down it is the biggest disappointment in her life." I have done all the steps to reconcile that but she has been unwilling to accept that love and we understand that and told her so. I think she understands that now and has been hugging us more and seems more open with us. WE DID NOT GET MAD AT HER OR SHOW ANY ANGER.....SHE SEEMED VERY COMFORTABLE and Relaxed. Can you tell me how you KNOW that you were not angry and most importantly WHY you were not mad or angry? And Julie, I'm not trying to minimize any good work on your behalf or your daughters, however I have to ask this question.....what do you think happened in a week to cause your daughter to feel loved enough to open up? Now we don't know what to do from here. Julie, do you feel loved? Are you learning how to be responsible, honest and clear? It's always about Real Love. Without that foundation there's nothing that you can do that will be more than a tempory fix. We have grounded her from any sleepovers for a month. How did you go about that? What did you say and how didy you feel when doing it? It's not a bad consequence but you have to remember that the grounding needs to be a consequence, something she chose, and not something that YOU imposed. We want to talk to her about future drinking but think that might show we don't trust her not to do it again DO you trust her?? And honestly "talking" to her about it won't help, at least not much or for long. She WILL drink again if she doesn't feel loved and if she doesn't drink she'll find some other unhealthy alternative. WE NEED to feel loved. and I know she knows what not to do. This is a very common mistake that we all make or have made in the past. Because we TELL our children what it right and wrong, we mistakenly believe that they GOT the message and therefore know. What we fail to realize is that when our truth to our children come all wrapped up nice and tight inside of anger, frustration, distrust, or fear.....they never get past that TO the message. And even if they can repeat the message verbatim, their need for LOVE outweighs any chances responsible behavior on their part. It's like telling a starving man, like in NEAR DEATH STARVING not to eat as he sits at a table full of food and his hands ARE NOT bound. This is what our children are like out here in a world full of unhealthy choices like drinking, sex, and so on. How can we approach this situation without making her feel unloved and untrusted. Get loved and Love her, unconditionally. We don't want to control her and feel like we still are. How old is she? I don't think that I saw that. I would love to know what I did that hurt, Oh honey, THAT's the best question anyone can ask. what I can do to help Second best question! and how to act in the future when or if this happens again. Oh honey, honey, honey....you are on a roll with these last questions, don't stop. Listen Julie, there's nothing, NO THING more important on this planet than learn how to get loved and be loving and responsible. It is THEE missing ingredient in our lives. Get loved. Go to GA. Have an intervention with Greg. Start there. If you ABSOLUTELY cannot do that, HIRE A COACH. If that's not possible....then EVERDAY, get on the phone with someone in Real Love and practice telling the truth about YOU. Let yourself be helped in seeing what imitation love you're still using. **My family was a mess and still is to some extent, but without Real Love I just literally shudder to think where we'd all be today. OH MY GOODNESS. Anyway, I love you and I know that I've asked a LOT Of questions and you may feel overwhelmed with this reply. Read it a couple, few times and think about the answers. I love you and applaud your efforts to change the course of your life and that of your family. Angela
	Certified Real Love Coach~ amurray@reallove.com

Julifer Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Chicago Online Status: Offline Posts: 36	Post Options Post Reply Quote Julifer Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 15 Apr 2011 at 7:57am
	I answered every question and had a computer crash...boo hoo hoo. In a nutshell, I understand that every time I write, I am angry! Every time I write, I am empty. Every time I write, I am feeling unloved. Every time I write, I am wrong. Therefore, I cannot say I feel loved! I know if I felt loved, I wouldn't be writing asking for help because I would know in that moment what to do because I would be loving....I am not! I know I do not make Real Love calls! I call 5 specific friends constantly who are a great help to me and I do tell the truth to them. My spouse has also been a huge help now that he understands the principles, but that is not helping me and I understand that. Thank You for the clarification on that.....I will answer those questions, Angela. More later!

Julifer Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 10 Jul 2010 Location: Chicago Online Status: Offline Posts: 36	Post Options Post Reply Quote Julifer Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 15 Apr 2011 at 10:06am
	I had a thought that I wasn't angry with her that day she lied about where she was spending the night. I did expect that behavior from her. When she came in and talked to us she was so open and caring....she was in trouble.....and I felt that clinging moment where she was being caring and loving with us and I LOVED IT! She was at our mercy to get her stuff back....we were at her mercy getting those feelings of I REALLY DO LOVE YOU MOM AND DAD! Now we are back to same old same old. I wanna do what I want to do and don't care about you and I am back to being angry about that! CRAP!