Empty nest

   Well Zoe is home from her dads. She is a little more grown up and it is amazing what we can talk about. I am really glad to see her --after facing some initial concerns about "stuff." I find myself making a few less mistakes, like in the car her and her friend both wanted the stuffed dog, and I did not flare up reach back and settle it for them. I said very little and they figured it out, woohoo. I have had some terribly tense moments where I was not loving, I am also terribly inconstant. Like twice today she grabbed something out of the fridge and my response was "no not that" then "ok, I guess you can have that." Then I made a phone call because I realize how terribly inconstant I am, then I slump into victim- hood because I feel like I have know idea what I am doing, and from there I am pretty useless.
I also have a hard time telling the whole truth about my behavior. 

Not giving up, I am reaching out for love, and wise counsel.

Thanks, love Osha

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osha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Wise Person Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162	Post Options Post Reply Quote osha Report Post Quote Reply Topic: Empty nest Posted: 09 Aug 2011 at 11:22pm
	Well Zoe is home from her dads. She is a little more grown up and it is amazing what we can talk about. I am really glad to see her --after facing some initial concerns about "stuff." I find myself making a few less mistakes, like in the car her and her friend both wanted the stuffed dog, and I did not flare up reach back and settle it for them. I said very little and they figured it out, woohoo. I have had some terribly tense moments where I was not loving, I am also terribly inconstant. Like twice today she grabbed something out of the fridge and my response was "no not that" then "ok, I guess you can have that." Then I made a phone call because I realize how terribly inconstant I am, then I slump into victim- hood because I feel like I have know idea what I am doing, and from there I am pretty useless. I also have a hard time telling the whole truth about my behavior. Not giving up, I am reaching out for love, and wise counsel. Thanks, love Osha

rlpkaren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708	Post Options Post Reply Quote rlpkaren Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 13 Aug 2011 at 6:29pm
	Sounds as though you need some refrigerator rules. You're right, waffling back and forth leaves you feeling ineffective, unprepared and unloving. Since she's just returned, I'm guessing it will take you awhile to hit your stride and get used to parenting again. So what is the truth (since you're having difficulty)? You know I'll love you no matter what you're doing. As I've pointed out before, there's nothing you are doing that could top my poor parenting skills. You are miles ahead of where I was and your interest in learning and growing goes a long way towards how loved Zoe will feel in the long term. Love ya Honey, Karen
	Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.

RLP Angla Nin Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311	Post Options Post Reply Quote RLP Angla Nin Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 14 Aug 2011 at 9:41am
	Welcome home Zoe! So Mom, The goal in life is to be happy, not perfect or mistake free. As long as we live and breathe we're going to make mistakes. As you feel more loved and less afraid you'll make less mistakes to be sure, however; people who rarely make mistakes aren't HAPPIER, they just make less mistakes. When my focus is on how few mistakes that I make, OR if I'm happy as a result of making less mistakes then my attention, or focus is on myself and if I'm thinking about me then I can't be thinking about you. When you interact with Zoe especially, and your mind is on doing it "right" then you can't be loving her in that moment. When your mind is focused on loving and teaching and you're interacting with Zoe, you'll be more inclined to "remember" not to be angry and to be more clear on what it is that you'd like for her to learn in the moment. For example the fridge. She goes to the fridge and grabs a slice of cake two minutes before dinner is on the table. If you're thinking about talking to her the right way, you'll be concentrating on -how to say it, or- if you're wrong, or-does it matter and so on. All about you. See? If however your goal is to love and teach her then your first thought would be about her and you'd more likely (without anger, fear or concern) to say something like, Zoe dinner will be ready in two minutes. It's important that you eat all of your food tonight and eating that slice of cake first might make it more difficult for you to finsih your food. Would you like to eat it after dinner or eat it now? If you eat it now you will still have to finish all of the food on your plate before you're allowed to do anything else tonight. And then honey, if she chooses to eat it first no problem. You can even ask for a bite yourself and smile and laugh with her as you both enjoy it. While she's eating dinner and doesn't want to finish you can then support her in her fullness by understanding how difficult it must be for her. You can gently remind her of her choice. And you do it all with a smile. That's loving and teaching. Can you see how? Loving you tons, Angela
	Certified Real Love Coach~ amurray@reallove.com

osha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Wise Person Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162	Post Options Post Reply Quote osha Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 16 Aug 2011 at 1:06am
	Well it is late, and to keep it short I have been rather lost in the weeds. I plain forgot, it is always about Real Love, I even forgot what that meant, for a moment those were just words. Well it is coming back to me, thanks for the love and guidance. Love you both, bunches!