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Empty nest |
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osha 
Wise Person 
Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162 |
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 Topic: Empty nestPosted: 16 Aug 2011 at 1:06am |
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Well it is late, and to keep it short I have been rather lost in the weeds. I plain forgot, it is always about Real Love, I even forgot what that meant, for a moment those were just words.
Well it is coming back to me, thanks for the love and guidance. Love you both, bunches! |
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RLP Angla Nin
Real Love Coach 
Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311 |
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Posted: 14 Aug 2011 at 9:41am |
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Welcome home Zoe!
So Mom,
The goal in life is to be happy, not perfect or mistake free. As long as we live and breathe we're going to make mistakes. As you feel more loved and less afraid you'll make less mistakes to be sure, however; people who rarely make mistakes aren't HAPPIER, they just make less mistakes.
When my focus is on how few mistakes that I make, OR if I'm happy as a result of making less mistakes then my attention, or focus is on myself and if I'm thinking about me then I can't be thinking about you.
When you interact with Zoe especially, and your mind is on doing it "right" then you can't be loving her in that moment. When your mind is focused on loving and teaching and you're interacting with Zoe, you'll be more inclined to "remember" not to be angry and to be more clear on what it is that you'd like for her to learn in the moment. For example the fridge. She goes to the fridge and grabs a slice of cake two minutes before dinner is on the table. If you're thinking about talking to her the right way, you'll be concentrating on -how to say it, or- if you're wrong, or-does it matter and so on. All about you. See? If however your goal is to love and teach her then your first thought would be about her and you'd more likely (without anger, fear or concern) to say something like, Zoe dinner will be ready in two minutes. It's important that you eat all of your food tonight and eating that slice of cake first might make it more difficult for you to finsih your food. Would you like to eat it after dinner or eat it now? If you eat it now you will still have to finish all of the food on your plate before you're allowed to do anything else tonight.
And then honey, if she chooses to eat it first no problem. You can even ask for a bite yourself and smile and laugh with her as you both enjoy it. While she's eating dinner and doesn't want to finish you can then support her in her fullness by understanding how difficult it must be for her. You can gently remind her of her choice. And you do it all with a smile.
That's loving and teaching.
Can you see how?
Loving you tons,
Angela
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Certified Real Love Coach~
amurray@reallove.com |
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rlpkaren
Real Love Coach
Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708 |
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Posted: 13 Aug 2011 at 6:29pm |
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Sounds as though you need some refrigerator rules. You're right, waffling back and forth leaves you feeling ineffective, unprepared and unloving. Since she's just returned, I'm guessing it will take you awhile to hit your stride and get used to parenting again. So what is the truth (since you're having difficulty)? You know I'll love you no matter what you're doing. As I've pointed out before, there's nothing you are doing that could top my poor parenting skills. Karen
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Learn from your mistakes and recognize that everything in life can be used as a lesson once you are willing to be teachable.
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osha
Wise Person
Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162 |
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Posted: 09 Aug 2011 at 11:22pm |
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Well Zoe is home from her dads. She is a little more grown up and it is amazing what we can talk about. I am really glad to see her --after facing some initial concerns about "stuff." I find myself making a few less mistakes, like in the car her and her friend both wanted the stuffed dog, and I did not flare up reach back and settle it for them. I said very little and they figured it out, woohoo. I have had some terribly tense moments where I was not loving, I am also terribly inconstant. Like twice today she grabbed something out of the fridge and my response was "no not that" then "ok, I guess you can have that." Then I made a phone call because I realize how terribly inconstant I am, then I slump into victim- hood because I feel like I have know idea what I am doing, and from there I am pretty useless.
I also have a hard time telling the whole truth about my behavior. Not giving up, I am reaching out for love, and wise counsel. Thanks, love Osha |
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RoknRob121
Wise Person
Joined: 04 Jul 2007 Location: Hilo, Hawaii Online Status: Offline Posts: 870 |
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Posted: 02 Aug 2011 at 3:55am |
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Hi Osha,
I felt that all the way across the Pacific Ocean     |
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~ I'm the one to call when you are ready to tell the TRUTH about it all~ 808-494-1505
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osha
Wise Person
Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162 |
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Posted: 01 Aug 2011 at 11:23pm |
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Hi Robin, Good to see you! I am sending you a big hug!
Glad your here, Sistah. Love Osha |
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RoknRob121
Wise Person
Joined: 04 Jul 2007 Location: Hilo, Hawaii Online Status: Offline Posts: 870 |
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Posted: 01 Aug 2011 at 4:12pm |
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Hi Lovely Lady,
I am also experiencing this 'empty Nest" thingy, too. My Son went into the Air Force and will be away from our Island Home for 6 yrs. He did come to visit me before he left to prepare me for the long separation. That was a very loving thing on his part. My daughter & Son-in-law are including me in more weekends with them. More evidence of how Real Love healed our relationship. I sometimes get emotional when I make reference to them regarding my Spiritual growth & Recovery because it was both of them that contributed to my learning & growing in Real Love. I have known you & Zoe that long, too. Ever since I came into this Loving Community She has been heard in the background while we processed over the phone, Video chats & Conf Calls. I feel the connection strongly cuz I refer to you both as One. I feel you & I can definitely relate. No one really prepared me for what Life would be like for me, after they have grown-up and moved out to experience Life & Love on their own. I am encouraged to do the same, too. To tell you the TRUTH, I still cry sometimes-I watched tear-jerkers to get it all out. I share about the absence and am grateful it's not because they have expired.  I allow myself to "feel" my feelings and IF I want to see pics of him, I have his FB page & the many YouTube videos of him playing music. I feel vulnerable now because they were my body guards, people I introduced potential partners to. I can still hear my Son saying, " Run away, very fast & don't look back- You'll thank me later and don't say I didn't warn ya!" LOL...  It helps to know I'm not alone. Zoe will come home soon and you will have many moments of loving interaction with her while you're Loving&Teaching her. I have alot of good memories of my time with my Son. My daughter is the One who needs to feel loved & accepted now. This is my time to be with her in ways I wasn't able to before. She is still reading the Real Love in Marriage Book. I would be doing them a great disservice if I made helping other couples more important than offering them the Loving Solutions they need. Nice to process with you, Sistah. It helped me to have the courage to post this in the Forum so I can be SEEN, accepted & loved. ~ Robin ~ |
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~ I'm the one to call when you are ready to tell the TRUTH about it all~ 808-494-1505
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osha
Wise Person
Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162 |
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Posted: 16 Jul 2011 at 3:25pm |
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Hi Inge, thanks for your response and the love. I wrote this awhile back in the spring, it is interesting to look back at it and see where I was and remember being loved there too.
My daughter is gone again and while I have some similar feelings coming up it has been much different--much easier-- this time. Love you, Osha |
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Inge
New Member 
Joined: 26 Apr 2007 Location: SF Bay Area Online Status: Offline Posts: 9 |
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Posted: 13 Jul 2011 at 2:33pm |
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Thanks for being so honest, Osha!
I often go through the same process and feelings - fear, feelings of unworthiness. Thanks for laying it all out here and being willing to talk about it. I hear you and I love you! Hugs and love to you :) Inge |
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Inge Jechart, RLP
(925) 963-6439 |
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osha
Wise Person
Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162 |
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Posted: 28 Mar 2011 at 1:54pm |
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Well most things got done, its nice to be in a clean home. Definitely took some time this week for personal growth. Back to school and a full schedule, Zoe comes home today..Yippee! Thanks for the love and support, if I did not answer questions directly I sure thought about them. I have also been talking on calls about what came up.
Lots of Love, Osha |
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You are miles ahead of where I was and your interest in learning and growing goes a long way towards how loved Zoe will feel in the long term.