Marshmallow Mom

I bet you do (feel drained).  You can't turn an ocean liner around on a dime. And you can't change the dynamic between you and your son over night either.  Yes, you have been an idiot. You did what you were taught and you were also taught by an idiot.  And she was probably taught by another idiot.  You, your mother, her mother (and the mothers before) didn't mean to be idiots.  It's just the nature of doing what you know (the same as it is for everybody else).  We're all stupid about many things.  You don't have to be a police officer or Tiger Mom.  You just have to continue to do your best to get loved yourself and then love and teach your son, one day, one lesson, at a time.

Edited by rlpkaren - 14 Jan 2011 at 10:28am

Girrrrrl.....

I cannot tell you how much I can relate to what you're saying! No kidding. And you're probably more right than it seems when you said, "If they don't murder her in her sleep first." It happens and it happens for just that reason.

Edited by RLP Angla Nin - 14 Jan 2011 at 1:25am

Hi Bren! I haven't been on this forum in several years actually so I apologize if I am a bit rusty!

First of all, what a great truth telling that was! You did a great job of being honest, pointing out your flaws, and NOT beating yourself up! I really believe that is so important for change, especially the "not beating yourself up part". Self-destructive attitudes never lead to productivity.

With all that being said, I too can relate with you and your struggles in parenting. My little one is only 2 at this stage, but he is just starting to get to the point where he is forming bad habits that should be, and COULD be broken. Furthermore, I happened to have had a "Marshmellow Mom" myself growing up, and I can attest to the struggles that brought me in my latter years.

I wanted to point out some of the reasons that you might be a Marshmellow mom for you to ponder. I think for many of us (including me)that it comes back to being empty and still beleiving that we are responsible for others feelings. When our children are angry, we often feel guilty like we are bad parents. We are trying to "earn" our children's love and/or "make ourselves my lovable" by being a "better parent" (which we naturally measure by how happy our children are). Lets face it, it stinks to see those sweet little faces in tears and sometimes we wish we really could give them everything they wanted! However, as you already know, spoiling our children isn't loving. It is our job to prepare them for the 'real world' and the real world is a school of hard knocks.

I did want to recommend to you to read the Real Love in Parenting book if you haven't already, and I also really love Love and Logic. I think those two books together opened a whole new world up for me that I am actually excited about correcting my children because the gift of knowledge that they will get from it is something that will help them their whole lives!

Good luck to you in your journey!    

You hit the nail on the head, Gina.  Besides growing up with the example of parents who were often permissive, I have also been motivated by guilt.....feeling that I brought my son into the world under some sad circumstances and had made bad choices,  and that I want to smooth everything over  and  make it feel better for him.  Lots of times this has translated into rewarding him for whining, or not following through with consequences and overindulging him.

I've been the worse mom at following through with a plan for my kids chore rountine and other things, they inconsistency hasn't helped them to be any more happy then your son I'm sure.  I have been working hard at being more consistent and holding on, praying and having faith in things coming together...