Feeling Attacked and Like Running

 

**Hi Adolf.

 

i have a difficult work environment.  I feel there is a cluster of co-workers who share with each other how they really feel about me in the office. But they don't share those opinons and feelings with me.  Somehow, this forms a bond between them, and gives them security and pleasure. i feel unsafe.  

 

**The WORLD is full of people who use imitation love, getting and protecting behaviors. The office is not a "SAFE PLACE" from the world. So, lower, DROP your expectations that you'll go there and feel all loved and accepted. Your coworkers are only doing what they know how to do to mimimize their own pain. It's not really about you. They're trying to forget the gnawing in the pit of their stomachs that remind them that something really important is missing in their lives. They're trying to forget their aches and pains and bills, and wayward children, bad marriages, and the impending holiday expenses and so the list goes on. So they talk about you and to that I say, "So what." It's all they know to do to relieve their own suffering. Is it right?? No. It's not, but that's how it goes. You can't change what people do EVER. You only have control over yourself. You have three choices. Live with it and like it, Live with it and hate it, (which is what you're choosing now) or Leave it. You don't get a fourth choice, change it. Most people, try the fake fourth choice. When you complain about other people, or complain period you're opting for the fourth choice that you don't have. Have you noticed that complaining doesn't change anything ever? It doesn't because it's not a choice.

 

the office manager is a member of the cluster.

The other day i heard the office manager and a staff person talking about the courier who is a friend of mine and who i helped get a job where i work.

he is not the most polished gem, and he has many flaws and is starving for real love.

The two people were complaining about his attitude and demeanor.

the staff person stated she could not imagine how he ever got hired. 

The office manger responded that he was my friend and that since there was an opening it was very convenient for him and I to arrange for his being hired.

And that although she has been wanting to say something to him about his conduct and attitude, she has choosen not to say anything because she DOESN'T WANT ME TO SAY that she is too harsh.

i feelt attacked. i felt judged and critisized. i felt afraid. and i felt angry.

 

**Adolf you can DROWN in the details of life. It's so much better when you simply get out of the pool. There your coworkers are in one area of the pooling splashing and thrashing around trying not to drown and there you are in another area of the pool doing the same thing. Get out of the pool. You can do that by just seeing that what they're doing is not about YOU. It's about them. When you see this, you're OUT OF THE POOL. In the beginning seeing this is hard to do because you've been trained NOT to see this, but with practice and reminders from people who can see, it becomes easier and easier. It's really that simple.

 

 

Before real love, and for several years, i used every G&P Behavior to essentially try to "make" the manager love me, do something for me, or give me what i wanted. i did anything and everything i could to find a way for the manger to feel that i cared. but my caring was selfish. i was only thinking of myself.  i was just buying imitation love.  i now know i did all those things only truly hoping to get something for myself, praise, grattitude, feeling useful and important, and loved.  Consequently, i am now realizing and taking responsibility for how my actions have utterly devestated my relationship with the manger.

We both run from each other. I feel avoided as a way to escape conflict.

And when we do have to come together to do something, I feel i have to really fight to get what i need from her to complete my work.

 

**You are only responsible for what you do and say. Keep getting Real Love for yourself and you'll be less affected by what other people do and say. You'll learn how to interact in healthy ways. I'd suggest that whenever you have an encounter with your boss where you feel that you have to "fight" for anything, make a call and learn what YOU could have done differently.

 

Honestly, i can understand why the manger would say that. the person must feel unsafe or critized or judged by me.  and i did a lot to make the manger feel those things.  Could these be protecting behaviour in the form of attacking and acting like a victim?

 

**I'm missing something here. I'm not sure what you're referring to, however, I do know that you can't MAKE anyone feel anything. We're always choosing what we feel. Our judgments determine our feelings not the EVENT.

 

I have high expectations of my friend, and am constantly reminding him to mind his manners and help everyone without having to be asked. And I have always told him and every other staff member to listen to the office manger, and respect the office policies.  And when we the staff, manager, and bosses chit chat or tease or are friendly bantering, i try to make the manager look like she's in charge, and a leader, authoritative, and respected. i praise the person. I agree with her choices and decisions and express support. the manger has a strong sense of duty. And the manager holds nothing back in letting me know my employment mistakes and flaws.

 

**STOP. Stop engaging in imitation love. Let people choose for themsevles what they say or do, it's not your JOB. You're only in charge of yourself.

 

 

 Now i'm like a ghost to the person.

 

**it's her choice.

 

i don't plan to say anything about it.

 

**Good decision.

 

this is just an event. i can judge that i feel nothing about this. And continue to nurture my co-workers and the manger by giving them attention and affection and by being loving.

 

**It is just an event. Now leave it and THEM alone.

 

i guess i can just respect that those words and feeling are their choice and they do not have to affect how i will act around them or treat them.

 

**Exactly.

 

i have to have faith they are doing their best and do not wish to hurt me.

 

**Exactly.

 

i have to find a way to get love for myself, and be loving.

 

**Exactly.

 

Love to you,

Angela and KarenH