Loving teen gone sad

Julifer,
I have to admit to you that after reading your last post, my stomach just wrenched up into a knot and I had to just get away from the computer and get on with my day because my old knee jerk reaction of thinking I was responsible for others problems kicked in. I knew if I responded to you while I was feeling that, I would not truly be present here with you, but living back in my own childhood where I learned to take on the responsibility to try to figure out what to do to get the family pain to STOP!  I had no magic wand and neither parent wanted to change so I did the best think I could to get away from how powerless I felt...get up in my head and intellect and figure, figure, figure out what I could do about it. Doing that felt a ton better than feeling my emotions.  Such a burden I laid on myself, but I have compassion now for the fact that I was only doing what I could to survive through it.  Other of my family members acted out in anger and got into drugs, alcohol and sex to numb out their pain.

So your kids will need to find their own avenues also to numb out from their inability to create safety and security in their own home because they have to live under what you allow to go on.  That is a tough pill to swallow, I know and I am sure hard to hear.  Why do we allow others to verbally abuse and control us...because they can and it is not only very abusive and harmful to us, but to the one allowed to abuse others, it further entrenches him/her into that pattern.  The adult being abused/allowing it is usually the one who is looked at as a powerless victim and the abuser is seen as the monster...both are cooperating with a system that is doing harm to the family and both are equally responsible for the harm done to any children involved. 

I recently wrote a post talking a bit about doormats under the Marriage heading/Being controlled conversation. It might be worth the read to get an idea of why we think we have no choice out of changing our own part in this destructive system.  I would not choose to live with someone who believes it is okay to take their anger out on me and my kids in the way you have described.  Because you have cooperated with him, he believes it is an okay way to behave even tho' you may go through times where you fight back, you still stay under the same roof with him so he knows your current anger will dissipate in time and he can continue to keep up his damaging behavior. 

We have the habit of not wanting to see our choices when we fear we need to do something different and it is going to rock the boat.  You have grown up as I did...not feeling you can trust yourself to do the right thing and I really understand that.  There are always good unconscious reasons why we stay in harmful situations and I do not judge you for being driven by your fears...when you get locked into the false belief that you are powerless, you do feel paralyzed...I know, I have been there.

I am here to say, you do have choices and your partner also gets to make his choices which you have absolutely no control over.  So when you decide what you are your kids need in order to live in safety and feelings of security, you can act with your power to choose that for yourself.  As you state what you need and can not allow anymore from your partner, you will find out if he is willing to do his own work, getting his own help he needs to grow and learn something different to tend to his own wounds he incurred from the way he grew up.  Ultimately, he will not know you mean business unless you really do mean you will do what it takes to insure your own and children's safety.

On another note, it makes complete sense that you would have a tough time posting and not having your partner's actions at the center of your writing.  Your current situation puts all the power for things to change or not in his hands, so by seeing your problems as all him you would need to describe all that he is doing.  After reading this, you may be better able to see your equal responsibility as you cooperate with the system that needs you to see yourself as powerless subservient to  the monster.  You will feel false guilt and feelings of being selfish when you pick your own power to make choices again...this is a natural thing we all feel when we have been made to feel "bad" for using our power to choose in the past.

All my love and support to you as you digest this. I am hear to listen to your fears, anxieties that come in a situation like this and do not see you as a bad person. When we are blind to our choices and are only able to be guided by our fears,  we make harmful mistakes and enable others to use us to pour out their inner pain and anger upon us.  If you are here and asking questions and telling the truth about yourself I can only guess that you want the best for you, your partner and your children and that is how I perceive you. Thank you so much for your honesty and desire to learn something new. 
Here with you if you need to write out your thoughts to someone who is listening and can love you.

Hi,

"I am an enabler.  I see that.  I also see what I have been teaching my kids and I am ashamed and guilty"

I realize these words are the knee-jerk reaction of someone who does not feel loved to eat bowls of shame and guilt when they are finding consequences they do not like in their lives, but I just wanted you to know...you don't have to eat that if you don't want to.  I have a garden and find that peeing on the plants just doesn't make them thrive well, but makes them want to curl up and die.  I know how pervasive shame and guilt can be and find those feelings covering over every mistake I make wanting me to wallow and sink down deep in them to receive my self-inflicted punishment.  Being here, re-reading the truth to remind yourself of it, making calls...all places to keep on bringing yourself back to instead of taking the plunge down, down, down deeper into helplessness. 

I am so glad you are hearing your inner longing to be who you really are.  It is that Real part of you who is Loveable who has been covered up for so long just trying to please others in order not to be rejected. We learned to become invisible/good girls in order to receive what little bit of acceptance we could get by "staying out of the way." By living that way, we did erase ourselves, cut off the parts of us that inconvenienced others.  Time to re-connect back into our lovable selves and present ourselves to people who aren't into giving out more bowls of guilt and shame. This is a big choice that you will get to choose to make time and time again as you grow...to pour the acid of self-loathing guilt and shame upon an already tired self or to give yourself some grace...reaching out for the unconditional love you have to have to thrive and grow.  The temptation is strong, I know to choose to beat yourself up right now, but you need your strength and energy to be used in a more productive way and don't deserve to be punished just because you feel empty and unloved.  We all have the consequences that are tough to deal with from not being loved and acting out of anger and fear...you're in good company and not alone as you learn to receive the love you deserve.

Hi Julifer,

Hi!  Can anyone help me figure out why I cannot log in or send messages.  Thank you!  I am Julifer.