Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Online Status: Offline
Topic: teenager problem
Posted: 09 Sep 2010 at 6:50pm
Talk WITH her---not to her or at her---about what she wants in life. We forget that step. Kid, what do you want out of life? Do you want to be genuinely happy? Have healthy relationships? Make independent and great decisions? Learn that stuff, and then talk about how each of her current decisions leads---or doesn't lead---to the goals that SHE has stated. Most of the time we can help our kids see how their choices really could not possibly get them where they want to go.
AGREE with her on standards and freedoms in her choices. Lift restrictions as your conversations and her behavior warrant it. She is too old to control completely, but she needs more education---which includes your really listening to her, not just nagging her---from you so she can make those decisions that will lead to happiness.
Real Love Coach
Joined: 12 Nov 2007
Location: Virgnia USA
Online Status: Offline
|Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 13 Aug 2010 at 9:49am|
Hi there Sandt. I took your post right to the source (Greg). Keep in mind that with e-mail as the medium, it is sometimes hard to feel love and concern because you can only see the words. There is no body language or voice tone to soften whatever is being written. I Really do feel your fear and send you unlimited love. Greg is one of the most loving people I know and he also tells it as he sees it. That said, I'll lay out what Greg said and include my own comments with it. Greg's will be in red, so you can tell the difference.
She needs to have an intense conversation with this girl:
1. Mom admits she didn't love the girl like she needed. Even if you were to start loving her perfectly today, it would take quite awhile for her to actually feel it and begin to feel filled up.
2. Mom describes the dangers of drinking, pot, sex, and tells daughter that she'll have to make her own decisions about sex--after describing safety measures--but she will not continue controlling her on this issue. She can't watch her forever. If you haven't already, educate yourself about STDs, how they are transmitted, prevented. For example, herpes is tough. It can't be prevented by using condoms, although it is a good protection for other types. She needs to know about other birth control options as well. Your girl needs to know these things as much as how inconvenient getting pregnant at 16 really is. She especially needs to know that she is loved and supported whether or not she's sexually active.
3. Drinking and pot, however, are illegal, and she will not permit it! Mom will randomly drug test the daughter whenever she wants--with WITNESSED urination--and she can get the tests at:
If the daughter violates the drinking and pot, she'll be severely limited or perhaps admitted to a drug treatment center.
Mom has to start trusting this kid, but simply monitoring compliance with requirements. Kids sense trust.
I'd give her back her facebook and cell, with the understanding that you have password access and can see either whenever you wish. Trust but verify! It's the same with drug testing. Messing around with drugs when you're empty and afraid (the state of your daughter) is a slippery slope. Once you've tried one, it's easy to try another--take it from one who knows. What consequences you choose to apply if she violates the drug testing should be discussed in advance. This is about Loving and Teaching-heavy on the love. AND if you're angry at her she won't hear you at all.
Reading the Real Love books is very good and only a start (just my opinion here). I can't tell you what to do. I do recognize that you desperately need love yourself. It's available if you want it by starting with conference calls. Greg also does Real Love interventions.
Love to you,
Certified Real Love Coach
Edited by rlpkaren - 13 Aug 2010 at 6:10pm
Joined: 21 Aug 2007
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
|Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 13 Aug 2010 at 1:10am|
It sounds like what you are dealing with has you way out of your comfort zone, like you are afraid, and are hanging on for dear life. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to love your daughter. Just one thing came to mind as i read your post, that if you teach with fear your daughter will go where she can for "safety". Maybe if you talk with her about what you would like for her, how important real love is in your relationship and what you have learned, then, when she is feeling loved, talk about what trading is (how her boyfriend is empty) and what kind of experiences may be the consequence of the choices she is about to make. Expressing that you care for her is different from trying to control her. anyway, i hope you can fill your cup, and find some peace for yourself. i hope your daughter is able to hear you, and if she can not, that you will take care of yourself so that you can continue to be there for her.
Joined: 04 Jul 2007
Location: Hilo, Hawaii
Online Status: Offline
|Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 12 Aug 2010 at 7:12pm|
Nice to meet you in Real Love.
I read Real Love three years ago and it changed my husband's life and we are very close now.
*** Happy to hear it & happy for your decision to do so. ***
He has problems with anger now and then but it used to be all the time.
*** I hear that, I've been set FREE myself, too ***
I recently read Real Love in Parenting but I'm still having trouble with my 16 year old daughter.
*** Has she also read the book alongside you & your husband, too? ***
She said she knows I love her and we get along but she is lying to me about a boy she likes. *** Knowing you've read the Book already, what do you think her lying is saying about how she feels? Would you identify it as loved, safe, afraid or happy? ***
He smokes weed and she has met him secretly and smoked with him.
*** Is she less lovable & acceptable to you now that you know this about her?
What do you think her behavior is telling you about her? ***
She also seems way too sexual for her age.
Most children learn from their parents & teachers about sex. What does "too sexual" mean to you? ***
I talk to her about the dangers and she doesn't seem to get the message.
*** She hears you, but IF there was any anger or disappointment in your tone of voice when you share that kind of information with her, What do you think she hears you say? ***
I won't let her see this boy and currently won't let her out of my sight.
*** Nice try Mom, tell me how that's working for ya? Are you the least bit peaceful, being loving or happier now? ***
I won't be able to continue a 24-hr watch
*** That's ok, No parent can ***
but I will be restricting her activities severly until I believe she can be trusted.
*** I hear you & feel you and I"m not even in the same atmosphere with you. Now, what do you think she "feels" when you are severely restricing her & not offering your trust as a gift to her? This is NOT a criticism here. This is to help you SEE clearly If you are being Loving or controlling, here ***
I'm scared of her getting pregnant as a teenager
*** Totally understandable. I still love & accept you even when you experience this fear That was an amazing TRUTH about yourself ***
and loving her doesn't seem to be enough right now.
*** You're right, she needs to feel accepted by you, too. ***
How much control should parent's exert in a situation like this that is so dangerous?
*** None. Can you hear this in a Loving way? Anytime you move from acceptance to control it is no longer Loving at all. Whose happiness are you concerned about, here? ***
Currently she has no facebook, no cell phone, and no unsupervised activities because of the lying.
*** I'm sure IF you had read the Real Love in Parenting Book with her this would have been understood from the very beginning. You're missing out on all the fun of this by NOT giving her an opportunity to be loving toward you also. ***
I believe she is waiting this out and plans to continue the behavior.
*** I believe you. What would you do IF you were in her position? Teenagers who are absolutely loved & accepted don't rebel their parents, they offer their love & trust as a gift, but she won't learn that unless you show her how by your deminstration of it. IS this making any sense to you? ***
I care about your Happiness & hers,
~ Robin in Hawaii ~
~ I'm the one to call when you are ready to tell the TRUTH about it all~ 808-494-1505
Joined: 11 Aug 2010
Online Status: Offline
|Post Options Quote Reply Posted: 11 Aug 2010 at 9:32pm|
I read Real Love three years ago and it changed my husband's life and we are very close now. He has problems with anger now and then but it used to be all the time. I recently read Real Love in Parenting but I'm still having trouble with my 16 year old daughter. She said she knows I love her and we get along but she is lying to me about a boy she likes. He smokes weed and she has met him secretly and smoked with him. She also seems way too sexual for her age. I talk to her about the dangers and she doesn't seem to get the message. I won't let her see this boy and currently won't let her out of my sight. I won't be able to continue a 24-hr watch but I will be restricting her activities severly until I believe she can be trusted. I'm scared of her getting pregnant as a teenager and loving her doesn't seem to be enough right now. How much control should parent's exert in a situation like this that is so dangerous? Currently she has no facebook, no cell phone, and no unsupervised activities because of the lying. I believe she is waiting this out and plans to continue the behavior.
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