spoiling a baby?

   I am nine months pregnant and will be having my first child any day now.  I am very nervous that I am going to screw things up, just like every parent I am sure. I want to make sure my child is unconditionally loved so that he learns how to love also. 

One thing that I have been pondering lately is advice I remember receiving several years ago now I think, but it came from several sources.  I was told that it is not good to pick your baby up every time he cries because you will just spoil them and they will start to non-stop to get what they want.  At the time that seemed to make sense to me. It is not possible to hold a baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...nothing will get done and realistically no one wants to hear their child crying all day. But now after learning about Real Love and actually having a baby on the way I am questioning that method.

Now I will admit that i have not read the Real Love in parenting yet because I am still reading Wise men and Women, but I am not even sure that it would cover this topic. It just seems kind of silly to me and maybe even abusive to try to train a baby by with holding affection which logically is the only source of love they can comprehend.

Can he really learn not to use a getting behavior as a little tiny baby? Isnt it a little earlier to try to teach them anything? Wouldnt that be like trying to train a cat proper grammer when it has no concept of speaking at all? 

It seems to me that it is the most crucial time to make sure you child feels loved and accepted and I dont know of any other way to do that at that young of an age outside of nurturing and giving tender affection when he needs it. After all isnt that why a baby cries - because he needs something?  

I worry that if I follow that advice that I will be traumatizing my new born and leaving him feeling abandoned and unloved.  On the other hand, I certainly do not want to spoil him either. Spoiling a child is not loving because it will only hurt him in the long run and afterall it is my responsibility to teach him. 

This may seem petty to some, but I really just want to start off on the right foot. I am hoping for some outside insight on this issue. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. 

Edited by Gina Bean - 05 Jan 2009 at 2:30am

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Gina Bean Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 04 Jan 2009 Location: Colorado Online Status: Offline Posts: 16	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gina Bean Report Post Quote Reply Topic: spoiling a baby? Posted: 05 Jan 2009 at 2:27am
	I am nine months pregnant and will be having my first child any day now. I am very nervous that I am going to screw things up, just like every parent I am sure. I want to make sure my child is unconditionally loved so that he learns how to love also. One thing that I have been pondering lately is advice I remember receiving several years ago now I think, but it came from several sources. I was told that it is not good to pick your baby up every time he cries because you will just spoil them and they will start to non-stop to get what they want. At the time that seemed to make sense to me. It is not possible to hold a baby 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...nothing will get done and realistically no one wants to hear their child crying all day. But now after learning about Real Love and actually having a baby on the way I am questioning that method. Now I will admit that i have not read the Real Love in parenting yet because I am still reading Wise men and Women, but I am not even sure that it would cover this topic. It just seems kind of silly to me and maybe even abusive to try to train a baby by with holding affection which logically is the only source of love they can comprehend. Can he really learn not to use a getting behavior as a little tiny baby? Isnt it a little earlier to try to teach them anything? Wouldnt that be like trying to train a cat proper grammer when it has no concept of speaking at all? It seems to me that it is the most crucial time to make sure you child feels loved and accepted and I dont know of any other way to do that at that young of an age outside of nurturing and giving tender affection when he needs it. After all isnt that why a baby cries - because he needs something? I worry that if I follow that advice that I will be traumatizing my new born and leaving him feeling abandoned and unloved. On the other hand, I certainly do not want to spoil him either. Spoiling a child is not loving because it will only hurt him in the long run and afterall it is my responsibility to teach him. This may seem petty to some, but I really just want to start off on the right foot. I am hoping for some outside insight on this issue. Any thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. Edited by Gina Bean - 05 Jan 2009 at 2:30am

rlpkaren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 12 Nov 2007 Location: Virgnia USA Online Status: Offline Posts: 708	Post Options Post Reply Quote rlpkaren Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 05 Jan 2009 at 3:18pm
	I don't pretend to be an expert on babies since I was a member of the "Lousy Mother's Club." However, it seems to me that newborns cry because they are either hungry or uncomfortable (wet, have gas, don't feel good for some reason). The child's function for the first year is to get loved. So pick him (we'll call the baby "him" just so I don't have to keep saying him/her) up when he's Not crying (and when he is). My guess is that babies who feel loved don't have a need to cry for attention all the time. BTW, I don't know that this is discussed in the Parenting book. You could ask Greg on his Video Chat on Tuesday nights and see what he says. He's a better "expert" than me since he has seven children. Love to you and your baby, Karen Real Love Coach

Gina Bean Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 04 Jan 2009 Location: Colorado Online Status: Offline Posts: 16	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gina Bean Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 06 Jan 2009 at 12:28am
	Thanks, Karen. I enjoyed your insight and think that is a great idea to ask Greg. It would be my first conference with him so I look forward to it.

RoknRob121 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Visit Members Homepage Add to Buddy List Wise Person Joined: 04 Jul 2007 Location: Hilo, Hawaii Online Status: Offline Posts: 870	Post Options Post Reply Quote RoknRob121 Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 06 Jan 2009 at 7:39pm
	HI Gina, I would have to agree with you. Your baby's ONLY mode of communication is to cry. I've held my babies alot when they were little and what I've found is that they were the most secure in pre-school & elementary school and more ready to be independent of me because of my intial investment of loving & caring for them. I wasn't the most perfect parent neither { I'm a member of the "Lousy Mother's Club" too }and they turned out to be more responsible than me in alot of ways! That was my experience with investing quality time & attention to their needs from the moment they were born. I slacked OFF when they were older and significantly independent of me already. I believe it was because of the first 10-12 years that I was a present parent for them that they were able to be mature enough to handle my irresponsibility and be present for me when I was on "self-destruct mode" in their teens. So, can picking your baby up when they cry spoil them? Dunno, I would rather enjoy them while they are alive, growing & learning than withhold my love for them and have them die as a result. <referring to the analogy of WW1's study of infant mortality rates> ONLY you can decide for yourself when you meet your little one how you want to love him/her, gather all the Real Love available to you now. Experience your baby in Real Love just as you are and accept her/him just as he/she is. You'll find that being a Mommy is not only the greatest job, but the most satisfying & fulfilling position ever! Loving you for WHO you are, ~ Robin ~ Real Love's SUPER Coach www.LovingSolutionsMaui.com 808-463-6386 <--- NEW number!!! Edited by RoknRob121 - 12 Nov 2009 at 9:22pm
	~ I'm the one to call when you are ready to tell the TRUTH about it all~ 808-494-1505

Gina Bean Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Group Member Joined: 04 Jan 2009 Location: Colorado Online Status: Offline Posts: 16	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gina Bean Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 07 Jan 2009 at 12:39am
	Thanks, Robin. That makes alot of sense and I appreciate you sharing a bit of you with me also. Your reference to WWI babies reminded me of something I had just heard on TV recently about why orphanages are no longer used and foster care was adopted. Studies have found that there was an 80% (i think) death rate with the babies despite the superb health care and living conditions. What was wrong was that the ratio of babies to care givers was overwhelming and the babies were not able to be held very often. The babies literally died from a lack of affection! That is undenyable proof how important it is to feel loved when it has literally taken the lives of infants. I appreciate you connecting that all together for me. It does seem to make more sense to risk spoiling a baby rather then to chance depriving him of his literal need for affection. I appreciate the advice and cant wait to bring this little one in to the world! Edited by Gina Bean - 07 Jan 2009 at 12:46am

osha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Wise Person Joined: 21 Aug 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 162	Post Options Post Reply Quote osha Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 13 Jan 2009 at 7:55pm
	hi Gina Bean, i read over your emails and the others kind of quick so if i repeat..oops. what came to me, for you, is GET LOVED GET LOVED GET LOVED. when my daughter was just born i sometimes did not have a thing to give. if i where to start again that is where i would start. GET LOVED, GET LOVED GET LOVED, and then, LOVE your new babe. congratulations, love osha