Am I Doing This Right?

I'm wondering if I'm even doing this RL thing right.  If I'm telling the truth about myself and accepting my husband when he "inconveniences" me and he seems to be getting angrier, am I doing it right?  That is to say, is it normal for a spouse to lash out more than usual if I'm following Real Love principles correctly?  

Hi Angela,

 

Great Question!!!

 

Real Love is NOT a technique-so relieve yourself from that false belief.

Real Love works when you are able to be Unconditionally loving.

 

Your first step would be to Tell your TRUTH to those of us who are already capable of giving you the necessary LOVE you need, so you can be unconditionally loving toward your husband. We will also help you with the dialogue for your first truth-telling session with him.

 

His anger is NOT about you, but about the emptiness of a life-time of NOT receiving the necessary Love he's needed. Does this make sense to you?

 

Your need for Love has been unmet, too. SO when you attempt to be loving & tell your truth to him, he's only going to react in the ONLY way he knows how. You're NOT able to meet his need to feel loved yet.

 

Time spent with us will give you the necessary supply of Real Love that needs to be gathered up, so your supply doesn't deplete with every interaction.

 

Keep telling your truth with us-Do you need phone numbers & e-mails?

I'll be glad to equip you with some in your part of the US. You may also call me for those nights when you just can't get some sleep because of this, ok?

 

Loving you while you're building your supply,

~ Robin ~

Real Love Coach

www.LovingSolutionsMaui.com

Edited by RoknRob121 - 31 Oct 2008 at 5:37pm

Hi Angie,

***I have had similar experience with my spouse, and she with me.

I'm wondering if I'm even doing this RL thing right. If I'm telling the truth about myself and accepting my husband when he "inconveniences" me and he seems to be getting angrier, am I doing it right? That is to say, is it normal for a spouse to lash out more than usual if I'm following Real Love principles correctly?

***Yes, you are most likely doing it right and doing it the best you can. It has been my experience that a spouse/significant other lashes out or uses anger (or other getting/protecting behaviors) more as we change our behavior. One usually has learned how to behave to get the other person to "be" the way they need for their own comfort/imitation love. When we change, they may feel a loss of control [power is often the imitation love they are seeking] and they tend to feel more afraid. Our new behavior is rocking their world. Even when we are being more loving as we learn this, they may be confused and exercise their G&P behaviors more. Like when a child says something to be heard and no one responds the way they want, so they yell louder.

I'm trying to, but I just can't grasp that my husband is drowning when he yells at me or neglects me. I want to believe that it's something he's intentionally doing and can control.

***This is what we've come to believe out of our own fear and emptiness we've had a lifetime of experiencing. Greg says that when we are empty and afraid, we have a blindness--when we are afraid, we can only see what the other person may do TO US; when we are empty, we can only see what the other person should do FOR US. The key is to achieve the feeling of acceptance and being unconditionally loved. Then we will lose the fear and emptiness, and like magic, we will see the truth more clearly, and just how much our spouse really needs to just be loved and accepted. The feelings and actions will automatically be more of love, when we are feeling loved. And then our partners will be able to sense our genuine care for them and relax their G&P Behaviors. This takes time, though.

Is it common to fear making calls? For some reason, I only feel safe emailing right now.

*** Oh, yes!! Email is good for now, but I encourage you to take the leap. Phone calls are better to get loved; and groups meetings or in person meetings are even better, to feel the love!

Hope this helps,
with love, Jay

I really liked to remember the drowning metaphor.

In our emptiness and/or fear, we feel pain of not being loved and do whatever to protect or get. When our partner is getting or protecting, its because of how they feel about themselves, not really us. We can see that a little when we have a life preserver of RL thrown out to us and accept it, and begin to feel lifted up.   But when we're "on the boat" or the "solid land" of knowing we're loved and lovable, we can see ourselves and others even more clearly with love and compassion. Until then, we keep gulping water with each wave and "losing it" in a panic. Not easy to love and make the best choices in that state. The behaviors of others are not personal/about us, like we have learned growing up. They are still just drowning.

Again, I'd say make some calls or get in a group or both. Progress will be much better with more immersion in RL principles and connecting with others in terms of RL. We need to tell the truth about ourselves to others to feel loved and accepted. Reading and meditation, though helpful, didn't seem to heal that feeling of not being loved and accepted for me. And it does take some time and repetition to fill the well of emptiness and fear we've developed in our whole lifetime.

JayQ

 P.S.  Is it common to fear making calls?  For some reason, I only feel safe emailing right now.

Edited by RoknRob121 - 31 Oct 2008 at 4:42pm