dealing with our own mind

Dear Adrianna,

I've been delightfully involved with R.L. for about a month and a half. Changed my life.

*** I’m thrilled for you.

It occurs to me that I don't know of a way in the R.L. format to help people return to love

*** Understandable. You’re a “baby” to Real Love. It’s a process of lifelong learning. One of the gifts of Real Love is to feel accepted and loved when we make mistakes, do something foolish, use our getting and protecting behaviors, or use forms of Imitation Love.

when the culprit seems to be the thoughts, not a relationship with another.

*** where do you think these thoughts came from, rather like how we use getting and protecting behaviors?

 Last night a woman in my group called feeling very low,

*** Why was she feeling very low, why did she call you?

Adrianna,

*** My mistake – I forgot to mention that it’s always about Real Love.

*** Where did the thoughts in our heads come from? – They came from the relationships we had when we were growing up, our parents. siblings, friends, teachers etc… They helped us determine our reality of the world, our self-esteem, our worth, our idea of loving ourselves i.e. our thoughts about ourselves.

The woman called because she was feeling scared and empty, (got turned down for a job) she wanted to feel better, feel loved.

*** yes, she wanted to feel loved and accepted unconditionally. She hasn’t had much experience of that.

The thoughts that kept looping through her mind were about being a failure, not good enough, etc.

*** All the thoughts came from other people that said that she wasn’t lovable because she didn’t match up to their conditions i.e. a particular standard in a job or a task. Then she made up all the reasons why she wasn’t lovable to justify their reasoning – victimhood.

I think we are conditioned to think "it's their fault" or "it's all my fault." Those who come to believe "it's all my fault" take any life circumstance and beat themselves up with their thinking. I'm imagining it's a protecting behavior, somehow... like, "if I am pathetic enough, maybe then you'll be nice to me... I'll get your love, or at least you'll be kinder. " I do this too.

*** Yes, that is what has happened to nearly all of us.

*** Read Topic in Real Love Forums : Relationships : General : Real Love Chat - Finding Wisemen

So if I'm using GB's format of What, what, why, what what, Then the first what is: "I feel like sh*t because they rejected me."

*** What did they do? – They told you they didn’t love you. In this instance if you didn’t get the job you’re not acceptable, i.e. not lovable. There are other people better than you that are acceptable.

Next what: " I went home and my head was full of mean thoughts toward myself."

*** Maybe something like this, I went for the interview, and I tried to manipulate the interviewer to give me the job because I was desperate. I was lying.

*** Then I acted the victim after because they didn’t give me the job. Then I wanted someone to listen to my tale of woe.

Why? Because I'm empty and scared, and this is what I learned to do rather than turn my anger on others.

**** The people were not able to accept you with your flaws and your personality.  Getting angry with the Company is fruitless, so a victim is really stuck. (Who knows the Company may or may  not have given the comment in a loving way – It’s just the way it is.)

***  She behaved that way because of a Lack of Real Love in her life.

What? I want to stop thinking like this. I'm continually dragging myself down with these thoughts.

*** This part is what could I have done in the interview. Told the truth, been honest about the decision (without disappointment, irritation or playing the victim). I understand your decision and you have some reservations about me being employed by you, would you share with me what they are, so that I can learn from this interview?

What? I call someone for help to love myself even though "they" didn't accept me for the job.

*** What could I have done differently, I could have called someone before I went for the job. Then felt Real Love before I went for the interview.

*** Before the end of the interview – I could have asked them if they had any reservations about me taking the position in their company. As they shared I’d answer them to alleviate their concerns. Then I’d continue asking if they have any reservations until I’ve answered them all. Then at the end just say that based on the Company that I’d be happy to take the job if they were to offer the position.

*** Then make a RL call after the interview to share my success or fears, and my behavior so I can learn from my mistakes and keep feeling more Real Love.

I don't think Greg ever talks about "loving oneself"

*** In the archives there is a daily video coaching Week 10 – How can I love myself?