update

I am not sure how long its been since discovering RL - perhaps about 6 weeks.

My relationship with my daughter has been transformed. 

I have not felt any anger other than the milder end where I feel slightly irritated, this lasts a very short time - minutes - and I am able to pass through the wave quickly by shifting my perspective

and remembering the RL I have in my life, esp Pete and Nikki in the UK.  This is so major for me - not feeling anger - and alone it is worth its weight in gold.  Everybody that I have relationship with - family members, friends, and my daughters Dad  have noticed this profound change. It has smoothed out many rough edges that could make it painful for people to be in my company.

I have uncovered layers of fear I was pretty unaware of. This has been enlightening as well as scary. I have been shocked at the level of my fears and worries.

I had a minor break from watching Gregs videos, speaking with Pete, and reading as intensely as I had at the beginning. In this time I think I assimilated what I had been learning and a new deeper layer is emerging.

I am noticing how instinctive it has been and is for me to get defensive when being attacked.  It has been insightful to see how often this is triggered.  I am loving the times I manage to be quiet during attack and how quickly the attack passes when I do this.

I still find myself searching for praise, running, wanting to control situations, and slipping mildly into victim thinking, as well as recorgnising the times I am mainly thinking about myself and not others. I am also getting memories of the times in the past that I have been selfish and I do still feel guilty about those moments, although attempting to not slip into wallowing in these feelings, and that they are in the past anyway.

I am feeling the importance of feeling worthy of being loved unconditionally, as well as how everyone is worthy of this love.  This has been a recent development over the last couple of days that is taking root.

I am being more productive in my life than I have been for a long time.  The depression I had sunk in to had made it very difficult for me to feel motivated as I had been motivated by imitation love my whole life and it was not working anymore!!! Now I am motivated because I really want to take responsibility for myself and my daughter.

I am feeling very blessed right now.

Love Letitia

L