Need help in Understanding

   Not sure where to start.....I have been married for 20+ years.  We have did everything backwards in our relationship (kids, bought house then got married).  I was the first person my husband was ever with.  Without going into details, we have BOTH hurt each other immensely during our marriage.  He has changed, he believes in this Real Love, this unconditional love.  Although, because I can't seem to love myself and forgive myself, I think he believes that I am not worthy of receiving this unconditional love from him or anyone else.
I want to learn, I want to believe, I want to accept.  He is currently in a long-distance relationship with a woman who has totally accepted him with all of his faults and expects nothing in return.  He wants me to allow him to talk to her and be with her (physically) when he needs to.  This is very hard to accept when you have been taught the "normal" way that a marriage is supposed to work.  I never realized, or I guess wanted to accept, the way he has felt.  I have, although not on purpose, held him back from being an individual.  From having friends and experiencing love from other people, including relationships with other women.  Just reading information from your home page, I am craving more. I am crying as I type this because I realize just how unaccepting I have been.  I hurt so bad and just want to live.  I want and need to experience unconditional love with my husband.  I'm still fighting with the ideals that if I allow him to have this friendship/relationship with this other woman, or anyone else, for that matter, what am I going to get in return?  This is what I need to learn.  That I should be happy seeing him happy.....that I need to let him love me and not force him to love me.  I struggle with the thoughts of suicide each day.  Knowing how much pain I have caused him.  I do love him so much and want him to be happy as much as I want to be happy.  I need to hear from you, from anyone.  I need to know that I am not alone and that there is hope.

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HeartbrokenWife Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List New Member Joined: 17 Feb 2012 Location: Kansas Online Status: Offline Posts: 1	Post Options Post Reply Quote HeartbrokenWife Report Post Quote Reply Topic: Need help in Understanding Posted: 17 Feb 2012 at 1:56pm
	Not sure where to start.....I have been married for 20+ years. We have did everything backwards in our relationship (kids, bought house then got married). I was the first person my husband was ever with. Without going into details, we have BOTH hurt each other immensely during our marriage. He has changed, he believes in this Real Love, this unconditional love. Although, because I can't seem to love myself and forgive myself, I think he believes that I am not worthy of receiving this unconditional love from him or anyone else. I want to learn, I want to believe, I want to accept. He is currently in a long-distance relationship with a woman who has totally accepted him with all of his faults and expects nothing in return. He wants me to allow him to talk to her and be with her (physically) when he needs to. This is very hard to accept when you have been taught the "normal" way that a marriage is supposed to work. I never realized, or I guess wanted to accept, the way he has felt. I have, although not on purpose, held him back from being an individual. From having friends and experiencing love from other people, including relationships with other women. Just reading information from your home page, I am craving more. I am crying as I type this because I realize just how unaccepting I have been. I hurt so bad and just want to live. I want and need to experience unconditional love with my husband. I'm still fighting with the ideals that if I allow him to have this friendship/relationship with this other woman, or anyone else, for that matter, what am I going to get in return? This is what I need to learn. That I should be happy seeing him happy.....that I need to let him love me and not force him to love me. I struggle with the thoughts of suicide each day. Knowing how much pain I have caused him. I do love him so much and want him to be happy as much as I want to be happy. I need to hear from you, from anyone. I need to know that I am not alone and that there is hope.

RLP Angla Nin Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Real Love Coach Joined: 20 Nov 2007 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 311	Post Options Post Reply Quote RLP Angla Nin Report Post Quote Reply Posted: 18 Feb 2012 at 8:32am
	Hello Heartbroken, It sounds like you're in one big heck of a mess. The first thing that I want to say to you is that I love you. And as strange as this may sound coming from someone you don't know it's still very true. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another without any thought for what you can get for yourself in return. With that definition, I don't need to know anything about you at all other than that you need to feel loved. Therefore I can and do love you. This is first step towards changing your life; being loved uncondtionally. You and your husband are not unlike many people on this earth who don't have a clue as how to care unconditionally for another. And becuase of this you're in a lot of pain and confusion. Rest assured that you are NOT alone and that there IS hope. If you're willing to learn how to do things differently pretty soon you'll have enough proof for yourself that Real Love is the thing that has been missing in your life and is what can change your life. I realize that you'd like to have the problems solved that you've written about - I had a ton myself when I first came to Real love- and I could tell you what to say and how to react but you then would need me to do that for you all of the time and that's no fun. It would actually help you none. Let me just say this; neither you nor your husband has ever been loved consistently enough if at all with Real Love and because of this, you're in a lot of pain; a tremendous amount of pain. And this is the problem at the root of all of the situations that you've described. You said: I want to learn, I want to believe, I want to accept. Therefore I suggest AND these are only suggestions. You don't have to do anything that you don't want. Hire a coach. There are many calls each week hosted by Certified Real Love coaches. The list and times of each call can be found on the web site. Listen in on each call and find someone that you feel a connection with and hire them to coach you. Simultaneously, read any of the Real Love books. I suggest starting with "Real love-The truth about finding uncondtional love and fulfilling relationships." This will give you a solid foundation from which to grow. Post here. This will help you to feel loved, seen and accepted. And unlike a phone call you can read the answers as often as you like. Make calls...to other people who are learning to change their lives just like you are. There is a list available of people who are willing to take calls for free and if you're interested in that I can send you one to your email. This is where I'd start honey. You are SO VERY worthy of receiving unconditional love. The key word being UNconditonal, right. What "condition" would you have to meet if someething is UNconditional? I hope that you stick around. This is a really fun way to live. You can change your entire life. Love to you, Angela
	Certified Real Love Coach~ amurray@reallove.com