Verge of tears...

Hello All,
I have sat in front of this board reading posts, I have listened in on conference calls, and have read the Real Love book.  Whenever I find myself starting to reach out I find tears welling up inside me.  I have felt alone, lonely, and then very angry my entire life.  I reach out to others and then recoil or find reason to not continue a relationship.  Growing up, On the outside I had all the right 'appearances'.... on the inside I would lose myself to a fantasy world to cope with feeling so useless, a disappointment to others.  I don't pretend to be fake I just don't know how to connect, so appeared aloof, distant.  My insides would ache.

Now, I hide the sadness less.  I seem turned all inside out with my emotions.  I feel out of control when I get that abandoned feeling (husband triggers that alot)  I feel so lost.

In the last 6 months, I have had several wake-up calls and grateful for them.  A brush with death, another marriage failing, and all I know I can't spend the next 40 years of my life like the last 40.  I have always wanted to be accepted but didn't know how to go about.  I have several friends in my life that I know are good people but I can't stand the neediness inside me.  I exhaust others.  (at least I believe I do) I am clinging and I don't want to...I can't figure how to let go.  I am married to a man who is emotionally distant (funny that, huh...just like me...and it feeds the cycle in me....reach out to him, he is distant, I recoil into myself, feel abandoned and want the pain to stop so I reach out again) 
I want off the UN-merry-go-round !!!!

So here I am.  I want to cry.  (OK, now I am)  I want someone to find me. I wish to feel full inside.  I am growing older but not growing up inside (a little like Jimmy Buffet, I know)

Thank you for letting me share here

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can see you, accept you, and love you when you tell the truth.
Keep doing it!

DeathereX


Edited by DeathereX - 05 Jan 2012 at 5:50pm

Thank you for all your supportive words.  I am feeling stronger and have more clarity these last couple of days.  I have been working so hard this last year on my behavior and taking responsibility for myself.  I didn't realize how my behavior prevented me from really connecting with others.  I have come a long way but realize I have a ways to go. 

I want to grow more and more each day in understanding real love.  I so desire to fill up the empty spaces inside me...I know I can only do that here.  I face so many challenges yet.....

Hello Karen,
I have just returned home and so glad to be here.  I would love to be put in touch with someone that I can tell the truth about myself.  I am confused because I feel I am learning to act without protecting behaviors but things are blowing up in my face with my husband.  I am reading books, working with a counselor, and trying to take care of myself so I can love others.  I realize I don't know how.
Love
C