Lonely in the afternoon

Hi all,

I work evenings mostly, so most of the time I have to make RL calls is in the afternoon, when most people are at work. I have the Master List but am having trouble finding anyone to talk to. I just tried 12 people with no luck getting through. Admittedly, I haven't been trying nearly enough. I still do some running, and am quick to get discouraged and feel like a victim when I don't reach anyone. I still have a long way to go before I exhaust the entire list, but if anyone reading this has time in the late morning or afternoon, my number is 720-383-3533, or you could give me yours. Any advice would be appreciated as well.

Some truth to share now: I'm only working about 30 hours a week and have too much time on my hands. I seem to empty out too easily just because of that. I need to get an actual career, and tend to worry about that even though it does me no good. I know I need to get full so that I can see more clearly what I should do. But in the meantime I often feel like I'm in limbo. Then I seem to treat RL as something I need to "do" in order to figure that out, which is backwards, I guess. I feel irresponsible about the situation but don't know what else to do.

Thanks Robin!

Although, since I'm "ready to experience it all" but can't call you, your sig line is a bit of a tease ;)

I'm doing much better since my OP though I still have a long way to go. I really know now that I AM on the way to more Peace, Love & Happiness. I've felt the warmth in my heart too, and the peace that tells me "this is it!" It doesn't take very much to disturb that peace, but I at least I don't get discouraged as easily.

I have some good contacts but can still use more, and sometimes I don't do too badly as a wise man myself, if anyone else out there could use another contact. 720-383-3533.

Some more truth about me while I'm at it: a member of my RL group, who spends most of his free time alone, made a few snide remarks about Greg and RL, and got defensive over my suggestion that a new member who left the group after 2 meetings and spends most of his time alone is "running." I tried to handle these things without making him wrong, but I appeased his defensiveness and got defensive and discouraged myself (I don't think I communicated this but maybe it's impossible not to), and was too occupied with handling this "correctly" to really SEE him. I do have a tendency to worry too much about doing the "right" thing. I know that if I were more full I could have handled this more lovingly and I've made a couple calls about it, but I'm still thinking about it a lot and it's doing me no good. And sometimes I feel victimy that no one I know locally sees me clearly enough to call me out on my bullsh*t.

Tom


Edited by Tom - 11 Nov 2011 at 1:02pm

Thanks again, Robin.

As per your first response, I do need to do more truth-telling and practicing of RL with people who aren't in the "community." The little bit I've done so far has certainly felt better than doing what I've always done.

Some more truth: recently I've gotten emptied from tiredness and other physical things--and it's spooky how much that can affect my mood and the things I think about--and I went back to thinking too much about my ex gf, who I think is going to be moving back to town and going back to work where I work in a couple months. When I'm feeling good and relatively full, I have no problem with this, but when I'm not, I start having thoughts of ripping her a new one re. her faults and what she did to me / should have done for me. And I realize this is pointless; I know she is empty and afraid, and I know (if only intellectually sometimes) that my anger is selfish and only due to emptiness. And there have been so many times throughout my life when I've gotten angry but kept it bottled up. Sometimes I think I'd be better off if I had a way to vent it, though I know that venting gives you a temporary feeling of power, and it can become just another unhealthy IL addiction. I guess the answer is just to do more to keep myself full.

Tom

Thanks, Robin.

That’s a good point re. telling myself the lie that I was a healthy partner; I hadn’t really seen that. Whether she’s coming back or not hasn’t been bothering me anymore :)

I still get angry sometimes, but not as much as I used to. It feels more reflexive, and I can usually snap out of it pretty easily when I see what I’m doing.

 Awhile back one of Greg’s blog entries talked about how we get a sense of worthlessness hardwired into us as we learn that we can never earn enough conditional love to make us happy, and how some of our behaviors (being right, getting angry, and defending our decisions) trigger that feeling of worthlessness. I do all three of these things. A recent example: I’ve been emailing with a woman who has a different viewpoint on love; she thinks you can get love from yourself, and I gave her the RL viewpoint on this, and she countered with some valid points, and I wrote a rather long response to them, and even though I’d stand by what I said, I noticed that it didn’t feel loving because of my desire to be right and persuade her.  And I also noticed an impulse to impress her—in other words, prove my worth—which again triggered that sense of worthlessness. I talked about this at my RL group and got seen and loved around it, so I’m glad this stuff came up.

Another thing that seems to trigger that sense of worthlessness is thinking about what I “should” be doing—career-wise or with my life in general—because it’s connected with the need to prove my worth and put my abilities to “better” use. I’ve been able to just not think about it and enjoy the present, but sometimes doing so feels irresponsible because I don’t see how I can get any long-term planning done if I just stay in the present.

If you or anyone else reading this has any feedback on this, I’d sure appreciate it.

Tom

Awhile back one of Greg’s blog entries talked about how we get a sense of worthlessness hardwired into us as we learn that we can never earn enough conditional love to make us happy, and how some of our behaviors (being right, getting angry, and defending our decisions) trigger that feeling of worthlessness. I do all three of these things.

***Worthlessness isn’t what you’re feeling when you’re grabbing these things.  Can you see that?  That comes later.  In the moment it's more about power or praise.

A recent example: I’ve been emailing with a woman who has a different viewpoint on love; she thinks you can get love from yourself, and I gave her the RL viewpoint on this, and she countered with some valid points, and I wrote a rather long response to them, and even though I’d stand by what I said, I noticed that it didn’t feel loving because of my desire to be right and persuade her. 

***Yeah, I’ve done that.  Classic Field of Death behavior. It's a form of manipulation. 

And I also noticed an impulse to impress her—in other words, prove my worth—which again triggered that sense of worthlessness. I talked about this at my RL group and got seen and loved around it, so I’m glad this stuff came up.

***Got it.  Trying to get praise from someone can be an endless task, because even if you get some, it doesn’t last long. And, because it wasn’t freely given, it’s worthless anyway.

Another thing that seems to trigger that sense of worthlessness is thinking about what I “should” be doing—career-wise or with my life in general—because it’s connected with the need to prove my worth and put my abilities to “better” use. I’ve been able to just not think about it and enjoy the present, but sometimes doing so feels irresponsible because I don’t see how I can get any long-term planning done if I just stay in the present.

***If you are dissatisfied with your life situation, you can take steps to do something else. Live with it and like it, live with it and hate it, or leave.  Being at odds with “what is” causes unhappiness.  That’s a fact!  There is nothing wrong with making plans for the future and that has nothing to do with staying in the present.  Think of it this way.  It's helpful to know where you are going or at least the general direction you are going before you make a journey.  AND the only thing that is real is the step you are taking in this moment.  If you choose to do something and it's a mistake, learn from it. 

Love & hugs, KarenH