Real Love Forums : Parenting http://www.reallove.com/forums/ This is an XML content feed of; Real Love Forums : Parenting : Last 10 Posts Mon, 20 May 2013 09:27:03 +0000 Sat, 08 Dec 2012 15:05:10 +0000 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Web Wiz Forums 9.71 30 www.reallove.com/forums/RSS_topic_feed.asp?FID=5 Real Love Forums http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_images/forum_header.jpg http://www.reallove.com/forums/ Parenting : Conflict between friends... http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5938#5938 Author: catt
Subject: Conflict between friends...
Posted: 08 Dec 2012 at 3:05pm

I'll say what's on my mind about it and you tell me if/how it resonates... I am by no means an authority on it, so keep that in mind.  Writing these kinds of things out is a useful process for me to hash out such situations and learn from them for myself too...

The conflict between the daughters is primarily their responsibility to resolve... to the degree that they are able and willing, and with appropriate mentoring from their respective parents to support and assist.  You've done a good job of this with your own daughter.

Unlike you, the other parent seems more inclined to speak to you about it than to her daughter.  While it is certainly possible that she's doing this because she truly understands and knows her daughter's limits and is acting in her best interest... I sense from your description and your own emotional reaction to her (aka. "running" = fear) that it is far more likely that she is uncomfortable with conflict and is simply trying to avoid the feelings that are associated with it in her life (just like a lot of us!).

Your own fear reaction is justified... because someone who is drowning can be emotionally dangerous to be around and our instincts are there to keep us safe from danger (hence your fear and desire to run/avoid the situation with her).  She just wants her own discomfort to stop... and it's likely that the only way she knows how to do that is to try and control it.  Ironically, you both seem to be afraid of conflict in this situation... but you each have different reactions to it... you avoid it (self control) and she tries change it (control of others).

One possibility is that you may not have to do anything other than what you've already done except for one additional detail... practicing acceptance.  Accepting this other parent for who they are may simply mean accepting that she is going to be uncomfortable with situations like this and there is nothing you can do about it.  If you're able to interact with her and not run, great.  If not, then nothing is lost, because you are not responsible for her.

Ironically, the less you react to the other parent's discomfort and the more you simply continue to love-and-teach your daughter, the less that parent may feel the fear that is making them do what they are doing in the first place.

If you are able to calmly ride through your daughter's relationship challenges with the other daughter and continue to respond to the parent's behaviors without letting those behaviors control what you do, then the result will likely be that the parent eventually realizes, by looking in the rear view mirror of the various things the daughters have gone through, that the daughters ARE capable of working out their differences and that jumping to the rescue is not always necessary.

One last thought... each time you "run" from an interaction with the parent, in a way you are confirming in their mind that her concerns in the situation are real... because you are proving to her with your avoidance that YOU are obviously afraid of something.  WHAT you're afraid of doesn't matter so much... she only sees that you ARE afraid.  Since she seems like a "pursuer"... she's only more likely to instinctively pursue with more persistence if she encounters a "runner".


]]> Sat, 08 Dec 2012 15:05:10 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5938#5938 Parenting : Conflict between friends... http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5929#5929 Author: RLL Stacey
Subject: Conflict between friends...
Posted: 08 Dec 2012 at 1:29am

Hi Cory!

Honestly, I don't know how I'm going to approach the other parent. She hasn't been to our church much lately, and the girls see each other @ school and hang out, but there hasn't been much parent interaction lately. I know I'll probably go into my running/avoiding behaviors with her until I can figure out a proper approach to handle someone like this...

I am quite open to suggestions if anyone has any!
Wink
]]> Sat, 08 Dec 2012 01:29:41 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5929#5929 Parenting : Conflict between friends... http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5928#5928 Author: catt
Subject: Conflict between friends...
Posted: 05 Dec 2012 at 5:21pm

Hi Stacey,

You've been heard... by at least one ;-)

Sounds like you've got things fairly straight up with your girl.  The explanations you offered about your relationship with her in this situation seem quite balanced in my view.

Actually, I'm curious how you plan to approach potential future interactions with the other parent, because the way you explained the details around that person seemed less surefooted (ie. couldn't get a word in edgewise... leading to shutdown, etc... which I can most definitely relate to, as I'm sure many others would!).

Cory

]]> Wed, 05 Dec 2012 17:21:10 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5928#5928 Parenting : Conflict between friends... http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5830#5830 Author: RLL Stacey
Subject: Conflict between friends...
Posted: 12 Sep 2012 at 12:32am

Hello my Real Love family!

I got a phone call tonight from another parent, wanting to have a conflict resolved between her daughter and mine. So, this is what happened:

Our daughters go to school together as well as attend the same church, and they have been friends for a few years now. Over the Labor Day weekend, our church had it's annual family camp-out. The girls built a fort together over the weekend. Awesome! They did the same thing the year before. This year, the friend wanted it to be just between my girl and her, whereas my girl thought it should be for everyone, as it was open to everyone the year prior. Feelings got hurt, names were called, and the girls haven't spoken to each other for almost 2 weeks now.

The other mom tried to call me on Friday, but I didn't take the call (a bit of running). I was in the middle of working with a client and I was avoiding the mom, as I wanted the girls to work it out on their own. Now it's the next Wednesday, and I took her call tonight. (I'm pretty filled up and feeling loving right now, so I felt like I was in a better place) She was quite upset that the girls hadn't worked it out yet, and after making some RL calls, I see that the mom was afraid that her daughter was going to lose a friend, she wanted to control the situation. I get that.

I've been learning, practicing and teaching my 9 year old daughter about RL for almost 7 months now, and I would rather my girl decide on her own time to make up with her friend, if she chooses to, rather than have her feel obligated to make up to put the other mom at ease. The other mom stated that she initially wanted the girls to work it out on their own, but I guess she was feeling uncomfortable that it was taking too long? That's an assumption, but she did sound a bit panicked over it and wanted to get it resolved soon. I hardly got a word in during the conversation, and when I feel like I'm being pressured or bullied, I completely shut down.

Now, I did have a discussion with my girl about what happened, we discussed what the behaviors are, and helped her to "see" her friend a bit better. My girl is an only, so she is very friendly and wants to share with everyone, whereas the other girl is the older of 2 siblings, and wanted something between the girls all her own. I see and get that. My girl attacked and called the other girl selfish. I explained to my girl that we don't get to talk about other people, but can talk about our own behaviors. We can't control other people and make them do what we want. We can make our own choices, but we don't get to decide the outcomes of those choices. My daughter is choosing to "talk it out" and try to make up now, but she came to that choice all on her own, I told her I love her no matter what she decides to do, or if she wants to be friends with the other girl or not, it is HER choice. I see after making RL calls that I am giving my girl trust to make her own decisions. As Greg teaches, we can't make all their decisions for them! They have to learn from their choices eventually...

So, I would love to have some input, or just be seen for where I am with this.

Loveandteach, that is what I am trying to do...

Thanks!

Heart Stacey





Edited by RLL Stacey - 12 Sep 2012 at 12:41am]]> Wed, 12 Sep 2012 00:32:04 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1322&PID=5830#5830 Parenting : Looking for RL Group http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1288&PID=5766#5766 Author: rlpkaren
Subject: Looking for RL Group
Posted: 08 Aug 2012 at 5:54am

Good for you!  Where, exactly, are you?  Groups are limited, depending on location.  There are quite a few of them in Phoenix and Dallas.  I'd suggest that you start with conference calls.  They are free and there is one almost every day.  Here's the link.
 
http://www.reallove.com/conferencecalls.asp
 
You can ask questions here too.
 
Love,
KarenH
]]> Wed, 08 Aug 2012 05:54:54 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1288&PID=5766#5766 Parenting : Looking for RL Group http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1288&PID=5765#5765 Author: bkmazzeo
Subject: Looking for RL Group
Posted: 07 Aug 2012 at 9:58pm

I have recently completed reading (with my daughter) the Real Love and Parenting book. It is so obvious that I need more Real Love myself and/or a wise man or woman to speak to when I'm empty. All of this makes perfect sense and is crystal clear until I'm faced with a situation that pushes my empty button. I need help with this.

Does anyone know of a RL group in the North Fulton area? Any other ideas?
]]> Tue, 07 Aug 2012 21:58:57 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1288&PID=5765#5765 Parenting : disrepectful behavior http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1242&PID=5663#5663 Author: Sharrfick1
Subject: disrepectful behavior
Posted: 02 Jul 2012 at 12:54pm

Thanks Brenda, that makes good sense.  I do know the the older we get the less energy we have to deal with that kind of behavior.  Not that I don't want to deal with it.  It just physically and emotionally drains me more.  The bus monitor may not have had that kind of stamina.  But then again, I wonder if she felt loved would she have had the energy to deal with the kids behavior and love them in it.
Thanks again
]]> Mon, 02 Jul 2012 12:54:25 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1242&PID=5663#5663 Parenting : disrepectful behavior http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1242&PID=5639#5639 Author: bren
Subject: disrepectful behavior
Posted: 24 Jun 2012 at 4:04pm

From what I've learned so far, children act disrespectful and bully others because they don't feel loved, AND they haven't been taught to be loving or responsible.  You nephew acts that way for the same reason, the kids on the bus acted that way for the same reason and my son acts that way for the same reason.
As bus monitor, this woman did not have the love and courage to teach these children anything.  No blaming here. She didn't know how.  And as sweet as she looked on the news clip I saw, she is still acting like a victim and people are tripping over themselves to send her money for a "nice vacation" to the tune of $500,000+  ~ which really isnt going to make anything better (except for the fact that she no longer will need to work as a bus monitor).
 
As children feel more loved, they simply do not have the need to be disrepectful or act out in other ways.   They need love and acceptance  (as much as this little lady on the bus does)....and when they are feeling loved, then they can be taught about respect.  Without love, they will just learn to be more careful about how they attack to avoid consequences.
 
]]> Sun, 24 Jun 2012 16:04:30 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1242&PID=5639#5639 Parenting : disrepectful behavior http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1242&PID=5638#5638 Author: Sharrfick1
Subject: disrepectful behavior
Posted: 24 Jun 2012 at 9:10am

Yesterday I observed my 17 year old nephew yelling and acting disrespectful  to his mother (a behavior I have observed before).  This morning I viewed this video of middle schoolers bulling an elderly woman on the bus.  I do not have children but I care for children as a nanny.  

Question 1:  How does the care of children at a young age (as a caregiver not a parent) affect a child from growing up to be disrespectful and a bully? 

Question 2:  Why does my nephew act this way and why are these middle schoolers on the bus acting this way?  
 
Question 3:  According to Real Love, how should these children, and in my nephew case, almost a young adult, be disaplined?





Edited by rlpkaren - 26 Jun 2012 at 2:59pm]]> Sun, 24 Jun 2012 09:10:23 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1242&PID=5638#5638 Parenting : Teaching about bullying... http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1201&PID=5582#5582 Author: RLL Stacey
Subject: Teaching about bullying...
Posted: 12 Jun 2012 at 9:52am

Hi all!

Mary suggested on the phone conf. last night to have a picture of your child and you/your family for them to look at during school to remind them that they are loved. She did  this with her child when a teacher was being a bully.

She also said that even the smallest effort from your child to a bully, such as a nice comment consistently, might help to neutralize the actions of the bully. Unconditional love from our kids might be as simple as a  "hello" in the hall...

Also, my girl  and I have "role-played" what she could do/say to a bully, which would  help prepare her for the real interaction. Quite uncomfortable for me, I don't like to be a bully, but for our kids  we'll do  anything, right? Wink

Love Stacey



Edited by RLL Stacey - 12 Jun 2012 at 11:05am]]> Tue, 12 Jun 2012 09:52:42 +0000 http://www.reallove.com/forums/forum_posts.asp?TID=1201&PID=5582#5582