So Mom,

 

The goal in life is to be happy, not perfect or mistake free. As long as we live and breathe we're going to make mistakes. As you feel more loved and less afraid you'll make less mistakes to be sure, however; people who rarely make mistakes aren't HAPPIER, they just make less mistakes.

 

When my focus is on how few mistakes that I make, OR if I'm happy as a result of making less mistakes then my attention, or focus is on myself and if I'm thinking about me then I can't be thinking about you.

 

When you interact with Zoe especially, and your mind is on doing it "right" then you can't be loving her in that moment. When your mind is focused on loving and teaching and you're interacting with Zoe, you'll be more inclined to "remember" not to be angry and to be more clear on what it is that you'd like for her to learn in the moment. For example the fridge. She goes to the fridge and grabs a slice of cake two minutes before dinner is on the table. If you're thinking about talking to her the right way, you'll be concentrating on -how to say it, or- if you're wrong, or-does it matter and so on. All about you. See? If however your goal is to love and teach her then your first thought would be about her and you'd more likely (without anger, fear or concern) to say something like, Zoe dinner will be ready in two minutes. It's important that you eat all of your food tonight and eating that slice of cake first might make it more difficult for you to finsih your food. Would you like to eat it after dinner or eat it now? If you eat it now you will still have to finish all of the food on your plate before you're allowed to do anything else tonight.

 

And then honey, if she chooses to eat it first no problem. You can even ask for a bite yourself and smile and laugh with her as you both enjoy it. While she's eating dinner and doesn't want to finish you can then support her in her fullness by understanding how difficult it must be for her. You can gently remind her of her choice. And you do it all with a smile.

 

That's loving and teaching.

Can you see how?

 

Loving you tons,

Angela

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Karen

 

I understand perfectly what you mean by a hard lesson in being responsible.  Some lessons are just more painful than others and in your case irresponsibility was expensive.  When money is a hard to come by, it certainly carries more weight than not cleaning your bathroom.  I've learned some very hard lessons in my life too, created by poor judgment. 

 

I see a couple of other things that I'll ask you about.  Food stamps-lazy for a start.  Since food stamps help you put food in your and Zoe's mouth, what's at the root of not applying? Somehow my intuition says that laziness isn't what's driving this.  And I could be totally wrong and that's fine. 

 

The other thing has to do with scholarships and your statement about what you are doing in school.  Examine what's under that statement.  Again, I think there's more there.

 

Somebody here on the forum once said "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." The fact that you have a number of things to do that are challenging (and some just mundane) says that you tackle them the same way. One thing at a time. Do give me a call if you want to chat.

 

Love you,

KarenH

 

I hope your walk in the sun helped yesterday. The sun does wonders for my dark moods.

 

I was reading your posts and thinking about some things from the seminar and the PCSD book. Especially:  When you are in pain, you just can't care about anyone or anything else.

 

People are hurting you because they are in pain.  You are hurting yourself even more because you are in pain....and wracked with guilt. You have to eliminate unproductive guilt to be happy.  

 

Here are some excerpts from the PCSD book, pages 298-299:

 

 

 

 

I can see guilt as the enemy of happiness. It's just like in RL when they say "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"  The same can be asked of guilt. So when you are beating yourself up because you aren't getting things done, perhaps try to remember that when you are in pain other stuff just doesn't matter at that moment - and that's why you're not waking up focused on dishes, laundry, schoolwork, etc.  Once you start feeling more loved those other tasks become a piece of cake.  Forgive yourself.  I have all kinds of crazy stuff that I'm forgiving myself for lately......some of which you and I talked about in Phoenix, the rest of which you have no clue! And it ain't dirty dishes!

 

Love you.......and hope you are feeling loved.

 

-Brenda

 

 

 

**Sweet, that's all you need.

 

sometimes I am not sure what the line is between saying the truth and just over flowing with the details.

 

**You and me both. It gets easier.

My to do list looks something like this... In the last week I ran a red light and had my picture taken, I have to pay the ticket. Two days latter I got pulled over for having expired tags, I gracefully accepted the ticket, then I went to get new tags and was told that I had to pay 100$ fine for being late. Ok, at this point I am pissed and feeling like a victim .

 

**Can you go a little further and say "why" you felt like victim and "why" you got a little pissed off?

 

A hard lesson in learning to be responsible.

 

**Don't hit me over the head, okay?  But, "why" was it a HARD lesson and not just A lesson? Answering these "why's" can help you to SEE what you're feeling underneath; can help you see and "poof away" the junk that's really causing you to feel bad.

 

2. My house is a MESS: dishes, laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, making the bed, cleaning the bathroom. 3. I have to reapply for food-stamps: paper work. 4. I also have to apply for scholarships, an essay, letter of recommendations, a little more paper work. 5. I told my teacher I would write a paper on my time in phoenix. 6. A few more miscellaneous things, study for math, spend time in the ceramics lab that kind of thing.

 

**And guess who gets to decide, when, where and how, waht order and IF any or all of this gets done??? Yep! Just YOU. Not your mom,  your friends or society, or the magazines or ANYONE. It's your call honey. I don't know about you but sometimes when I feel like I "should" be doing something or begin to call myself lazy or irresponsible, it's usually because I'm feeling afraid of what someone else will think of me while I'm CHOOSING what I want to do. I'm killing THAT noise daily.  And I find that things get done.

Ok, Five is not a million, in fact it is not 10 .

 

**Love it!!

 

I hear what your saying about watching t.v. I guess my fear is that I would get stuck there FOREVER, not real rational. 

 

**Not at all. When you're sitting and watching tv, sit, watch and enjoy. You're allowed.

 

I got to a place this morning were I am actually grateful for the things on my list.

 

**Pretty cool.

 

 I would say more but I think that might just be details.

 

**No problemo.....it can take a while to get out of that habit!

 

Thanks, for your time, Love Osha

 

**Piece of cake honey, you're so easy to love!

p.s. I just did a lovely job on my dishes!

 

**Look at you!  I'm happy for you, that you feel happy; not praising you for your work.

 

Love to you,

Angela

 

 

Love ya,

Angela

 

My take was probably along the lines of how important it is to tell the truth. Hmmm, you might wonder....."Was I lying?"....hmmmm again. Here's the deal though. Whenever we speak we offer others the opportunity to see us, love us. Right? So, If we don't tell the truth, then it stands to reason that we can't be seen and then naturally can't feel loved.

 

When I read that you have a "MILLION" things to do, I knew that you were just using a "figure of speech" and one day when you're feeling really loved using figures of speech will be just fine, but until you ARE feeling loved, it's like really criitical to your love health to simply tell it like it is because no one can feel loved if they're not seen. We all do this or have done this, this hiding behind phrases and nicer words like disappointed instead of angry. Make sense? Figures of speech are vague or generic and if you want to feel loved, it would serve you better to say something like this:

 

Zoe is spending the week with her dad and I have the week off from school. My to do list is long; laundry, mowing the lawn, writing a paper for my Life 101 class, dishes, grocery shopping, helping an old lady cross the street, having my oil changed in the car, and I need to have my dog groomed. I chose to watch five hours of tv today and I feel really irrepsonsible having done that.

 

This way Osha a couple of things happen, one is that you'll see that you really don't have a MILLION things to do and that alone might relieve some of your stress or guilt. Two, when someone responds to your post saying, "Hey, I love you anyway, you'll KNOW that they really see the situation as it TRULY is and you as you really are and you will then be able to FEEL the love that they are giving to you.

 

To continue, if I had a long to do list and I decided to jump start my week by watching 5 hours of tv I wouldn't feel that I was acting irresponsibly but you do. Why? Let's look at that because it's your judgment about your behavior that's hurting you and NOT the behavior, clearly. Otherwise I would have to feel the same way about MY five hours of tv as you do about yours and I don't. It's always our judgments that determine how you we feel, not the event.

 

Oh and being specific is always very important because as you learn to be more specific you'll be more able to get to the bottom of things, that first wound. And then you can stare that lie in the face and watch it disappear. Poof.......

 

I love you honey and I'm not dismissing the value of getting it done, but the most important thing is that you feel loved and you can't until you feel seen.....so that's why I'm focusing on that. Okie dokie??

 

Smooches and

Love to you,

Angela

You sound happier already, Osha!  Hope you are able to follow through with the things that contribute to your happiness and peace of mind. Today is a new day.

 

I was thinking about what Karen said: "...no one can be happy and irresponsible."

I can be irresponsible and loveable, but not happy.  Since I want to be happy, I'm going to have to remember that.  And start tackling all this paperwork on my desk.

The key here is that NO ONE can be happy and irresponsible. Can't happen.  AND the other key here is that you are loved even if you spend five solid days glued to the TV.  My love for you isn't dependant on how "good" you are today or tomorrow.  Whether or not you do the million things that you want to accomplish is entirely up to you.  Just beware of setting up a standard that is impossible to meet.  What fun things do you have in your millions of things?  Being kind and gentle with yourself can be hard to do. 

 

Love you,

KarenH

 

Until Angela gets back to you, just wanted to say that I really do love you.  I have had too many unproductive days in my life to try to number them.  I have been immobilized with depression, and anxiety along with all the victim mentality that goes along with it.  Now I know I don't have to be productive to be worthy - although people will disagree with that, doesn't mean it's not true.

 

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself and Zoe is to FORGIVE yourself and have FAITH that the path you are on is leading you out of the darkness.  In Greg's post the other day he said faith lights the darkness.  So many times I have searched for light without faith. I wanted the light so I could find the faith.  Doesn't seem to work that way.  You may not recognize the light without faith.  You won't feel the love without faith that it is real.  You may not allow it to enter your heart if you are too skeptical of whether it is real.

 

Ask yourself what lies you are believing that are keeping you unhappy.  Very subtle, irrational judgments are at the root of much of the anxiety we feel.  There are some books by Albert Ellis that go into EJFR in more detail but the PCSD book sums it up nicely.

 

To heck with the guilt, right?

 

Love You!

 

 

 

 

I've replied twice to your post now and BOTH times the answer was lost. I'm so glad that I feel loved, otherwise I might want to throw my computer on the floor. I don't feel that way. in fact I'm  at how crazy it is learning to use something new.

 

I love you and will try again later today.

 

Smooches to you, big hugs and lots of love,

Angela