Real Love: Unconditionally caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. There is only one kind of love—Real Love. Anything we use for a substitute for Real Love is Imitation Love. Through no fault of our own, few of us have either received or given much Real Love, and without it we have a terrible void in our lives.

Imitation Love: When we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We attempt to fill that emptiness with combinations of the following: Praise, Power, Pleasure, and Safety. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love is Imitation Love. At best, Imitation Love provides temporary relief without fixing the problem. At worst, it allows us to “get by” and keeps us from looking for the Real Love that will eliminate our anger, confusion, and pain.

Getting & Protecting Behaviors: We use Getting Behaviors (Lying, Attacking, Acting Like a Victim and Clinging) to try to fill our emptiness with Imitation Love. We use Protecting Behaviors (Lying, Attacking, Acting Like a Victim and Running) to eliminate our fear of not being loved.

Lying: Any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying (Getting). Any time we hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, to avoid people withdrawing their approval—we are lying (Protecting). 

 

Attacking: We're attacking people when we attempt to modify their behavior with fear. We frighten or intimidate people with anger, authority, physical intimidation, guilt, and so on (Getting). Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. When other people are trying to get something from us—Imitation Love—we can often get them to stop by attacking them (Protecting).

Acting like a victim: The victim mantra includes three key phrases: Look what you did to me, Look what you should have done for me, and It’s not my fault. We use guilt and obligation to persuade people that we deserve more than we are presently receiving (Getting). When people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop if we act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us (Protecting).

Clinging: Anytime we try to get more out of someone we are clinging—more time, money, praise, gifts, or love (Getting).

Running: One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We are running when we physically leave or avoid difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our work or hobbies, and use alcohol or drugs to alter our moods (Protecting).

Anytime someone uses Getting & Protecting Behaviors they are saying two things: “I don’t love you” and “I need to be loved.” When we simply see using these Behaviors as drowning, we can be more accepting of others and ourselves.

 

Telling the Truth: Truth→Seen→Accepted→Loved. When we tell the truth about our Getting & Protecting Behaviors, we create the opportunity for someone to unconditionally love and accept us. Until we are seen with our flaws and mistakes we cannot feel loved. If we simultaneously exercise self-control over using Getting and Protecting Behaviors while we tell the truth about ourselves, we can generally accelerate our feeling of unconditional love.

 

 

Law of Choice: People have the right to choose what they say and do. We do not get to control the choices of another person—even when we know our way is better—and they don’t control our choices. A relationship is the natural result of the independent choices we make. If we are unhappy with a relationship, we have three options: 1) Live with it and like it, 2) Live with it and hate it, 3) Leave it. Controlling the other person violates their right to the Law of Choice.

Law of Expectation: We never have the right to expect that another person will do anything for us, will love us, or will make us happy. The one exception to this law is a very specific promise—I will call you tomorrow at 8:30 pm—not including lofty promises like "I'll love you forever". Expectations lead to disappointment, anger and unhappiness in relationships, so even when a very specific promise is made, proceed with caution. When we are angry we are wrong.

 

Loving Group: A place to be unconditionally loved and practice loving and teaching others. The sole purpose of a Loving Group is to provide a place where we can tell the truth about ourselves, be seen with all our mistakes and flaws, feel accepted, and be loved. When we feel full and loved, we naturally become more loving to others.

The speaker (person sharing): Only one speaker at a time. Whoever speaks first is the speaker and remains the speaker until they feel complete. The purpose of being the speaker is to feel seen, accepted, and loved. Speaking allows a wise man to help us tell the truth about our Getting & Protecting Behaviors and feel loved.

Wise Man: Men and women who unconditionally loveandteach other people. Before acting as a wise man in the group, you need to have experienced Real Love loving and teaching.  You also need to feel full and loving at the moment. If you have even the slightest feeling of irritation or judgment toward the person speaking, you can not be a wise man for that person. If you feel a “need’ to speak or have an expectation of the speaker—that you be able to help them, that they thank you, that they even be interested in what you are saying—then you can not be a wise man. Wise men are not doing therapy, trying to fix anyone or solving problems. Wise men are not perfect and will make mistakes. We can be wise men at some times and not at others.

 

How to “see” the speakers: As the speakers describe themselves, the other group members can be quiet, not interrupt, express their acceptance non-verbally, avoid verbal criticism, and refrain from telling their own personal stories. Wise men will then interact with the speaker (person sharing).

 

            What did he/she do?

            What did you do?

            Why did he/she do it? Why did you do it?

            What could you have done differently?

            What are you going to do now?

 

Perspective: People do the best that they can. When we see their behaviors as being empty and drowning, it is easier to not take things personally and accept them where they are. Every time we’re upset with someone, we’re saying, “There is no love in the world except for the tiny piece that you’re withholding from me right now.” This is simply not true. The truth is that there is an infinite supply of Real Love—so if you are feeling unloved, speak up and get loved by someone who has something to offer.

 

Confidentiality: Please hold everything that you see and hear in this group in the strictest of confidence. If it’s spoken in this room, don’t discuss it outside this room.