Page 3 of Beyond Anger Management Techniques
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In this article:
EFFECT OF ANGER
Think about all the times you’ve become angry at
a spouse, a child, a co-worker, or a friend. On a single one of those
occasions did your anger ever bring you a sense of genuine peace or
happiness? Did your anger ever bring you closer to another person?
Or enrich your relationship? Anger is uniformly harmful, both to us
personally and to our relationships.
The Destructive Effect of Anger on Other People
When we get angry at people, we’re loudly declaring
that they have failed to do something for us, or they have done something
to inconvenience or offend us. In other words, when we’re angry,
we are primarily concerned about ourselves, not the welfare of the
people around us, and they feel that. When we get angry at other people,
they hear us saying I don’t love you. That is the principal source
of harm to other people when we get angry, that we are telling them
that we don’t care about them.
We cause the same effect when we use any of the other
Getting and Protecting Behaviors. When we lie to people, get angry
at them, act like they’re hurting us (victim), withdraw from
them (run), or cling to them, we are not primarily concerned about
their happiness—the definition of Real Love. We use those behaviors—mostly
unconsciously—because we want to protect ourselves, or get something
for ourselves, or both. When we use any of the Getting
and Protecting Behaviors, our primary concern is for ourselves.
On these occasions, the people around us can’t possibly feel
like we unconditionally care about them, and they’re quite right—we
don’t. That has a terrible effect on them and on our relationship
The Destructive Effect of Anger on Ourselves
Our Getting and Protecting Behaviors—including
anger—are also uniformly harmful to us. Real Love is unconditional.
It must be freely given and freely received, so if we do anything at
all to influence other people to alter their behavior toward us, we
cannot feel loved unconditionally. The moment we use any of the Getting
and Protecting Behaviors, we are influencing the behaviors of others,
and in that moment we can’t possibly feel genuinely loved. We
can only feel Imitation Love—the acceptance, power, pleasure,
and safety we’re given after we earn them. That is perhaps the
greatest danger of anger, that when we’re consumed by that feeling
we cannot feel loved or happy.
Anger Is Always Wrong
Our primary goal in life—our very reason to exist—is
to be genuinely happy, and we achieve that condition only as we feel
unconditionally loved and share that love with other people. Whatever
contributes, therefore, to feeling loved, loving, and happy is right,
while anything that interferes with feeling loved, loving, and happy
From extensive personal experience we’ve all learned
that when we’re angry we’re never happy, nor do we contribute
to the health of our relationships. Because anger detracts from feeling
loved, loving, and happy, it is always wrong. Instinctively, we even
know it’s wrong, because when we’re confronted about being
angry, we usually deny it.
I am not saying you shouldn’t be angry. In any
given moment, anger may be the best you can do. I’m only stating
in the strongest possible terms that anger—along with all the
other Getting and Protecting Behaviors—is destroying our happiness
and our relationships. And now we can learn to eliminate anger and
replace it with joy.
(NOT MANAGEMENT) OF ANGER
I have now had experience with sharing the principles
of Real Love with hundreds of thousands of people, and I can state
categorically that we don’t have to settle for the temporary
and superficial effects of anger management techniques or anger management
tips. We can learn to actually eliminate anger from our lives, and
that is followed by an indescribable peace and power.
The elimination of anger is accomplished by two approaches,
one intellectual and the other experiential.
The Intellectual Approach: Seeing differently
Imagine that you and I are having a pleasant lunch together
by the side of a large pool. It’s a lovely day, and we’re
having a great time, but then someone in the pool begins to splash
you—first on your shoes, then higher up on your pants or legs.
You can’t see who’s splashing you, though, because there’s
a deck chair between you and the person in the pool. At first you ignore
it, but as you become increasingly wet you finally become irritated
and get up from your chair to say something to this idiot who’s
being so thoughtless. As you stand up and look over the chair that
was in your way, you see that the man splashing you is drowning. He’s
splashing you only because he’s thrashing and kicking in the
water in an effort to keep his head from going under.
Are you still mad at him? Of course not. As soon as you
see why he’s splashing you, you not only lose your irritation,
but you immediately become concerned about him, and you help him out
of the water. In one moment of insight, your state of mind shifts from
one of anger to one of unconditional concern for his happiness (Real
Such is the power of perspective, and we can apply this
power to our relationships with others. Imagine in your mind someone
you find irritating. Now imagine his or her irritating behaviors. Is
it not true that all of these irritating behaviors are Getting and
Protecting Behaviors? Of course they are, and why would he or she use
these behaviors? As we’ve already discussed, people use Getting
and Protecting Behaviors only when they’re empty and afraid,
conditions that are cause by insufficient Real Love. People who are
behaving badly simply lack Real Love, which is just as important to
their emotional health as air is to a drowning person. In short, every
person who is behaving badly is just drowning.
If we can see people as drowning when they’re
behaving badly, we’ll find it impossible to be irritated at them.
How could we be angry at a drowning man or woman?
Eliminating Anger With the Actual Experience
of Real Love
If we ourselves are drowning, however, a simple intellectual
understanding of the behavior of other people is often not enough.
If you and I are both drowning, your splashing and grabbing may become
life-threatening to me, and my understanding of your situation alone
will not help my condition. I need more.
We’ve already demonstrated that anger is primarily
a response to the lack of Real Love in our lives. With anger, we protect
ourselves and temporarily fill ourselves with Imitation Love. We’re
responding to the lack of twenty million dollars, referring to the
metaphor we used above.
The solution to anger should therefore be obvious. As
we learn to find sufficient Real Love, we gradually acquire the twenty
million dollars, which we can carry with us wherever we go. Then when
someone takes two dollars from us, it really doesn’t matter anymore,
and we simply don’t become angry. To make use of both metaphors
above, Real Love also pulls us out of the pool, so we’re no longer
drowning, and then the drowning behaviors of others no longer become
life-threatening. This is not a fairy tale. Real Love really does empower
us like this, as demonstrated in the lives of thousands of people all
over the world. Allow me to share with you a few of their comments:
- “I used to be angry at my husband all the time.
I found something wrong with everything he did, but then I found
some people who have loved me unconditionally. It has made all the
difference. Without my husband changing a bit, I have lost my anger
at him. I love living like this, and my husband does too.”
- “I have spent a lifetime being angry at people
and blaming them for how I felt. Now that I feel loved, my anger
has just evaporated. I don’t control my anger or manage it.
When I feel loved, it just goes away, without my even thinking about
- “Anger was destroying me. Without it, I’m
happier than I ever thought possible. No techniques, no controlling
it, just feeling loved. It’s been pretty easy.”
- "I’ve been to several anger management
courses. I failed them all. But Real Love has helped me a lot. And
it’s been simple.”
OF BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ANGER
We blame people for our anger because it seems easier
than taking the responsibility for our own lives, a technique we learned
from birth. When I blame you for my anger, however, I’m stuck.
I’ll be angry forever unless you change. That’s unfortunate
for two reasons: It’s very impractical to have my happiness chained
to your decisions, and it’s simply untrue that you cause my anger.
When I realize that my anger is a reaction to the emptiness
and fear caused by a lack of Real Love in my own life, I can finally
do something about it. I won't need anger management techniques or
anger management tips. I simply won't BE angry—it's the natural
and universal result.
To learn more about where your anger comes from
and how to replace it with peace and happiness, download
a free chapter of Real Love and Freedom for the Soul: Eliminating
the Chains of Victimhood.
In order to learn much more about anger and its elimination
with the power of Real Love—unconditional love or true
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