Causes For Anger and How We Can Eliminate (Not Just Manage) It
In this article:
Anger is one of the most divisive and destructive forces
on the planet. Anger
- is the fuel of every conflict and even every war.
- inflicts the deepest wounds.
- is a poison that spreads with astonishing power and
- turns crowds into mobs.
- eliminates love and happiness like no other influence.
- destroys marriages.
- crushes the spirit of children.
- makes learning impossible.
- isolates us from everyone around us.
Many courses have been developed and books written for
the purpose of helping us manage and control our anger. There are extensive
anger management resources for mental health and anger management techniques
are a dime a dozen. But those have generally proven to be quite ineffective.
Anger still rages over the face of the earth like a consuming fire.
We need far more than anger management techniques or anger control.
We need to better understand the cause and nature of anger and thereby
gain the ability to eliminate it. Fortunately, in recent years we have
acquired an understanding of anger that has given us the ability to
do just that.
ANGER: A COMMON
Anger is an emotion so common among us that it has become
like a background noise. We see it almost everywhere we look, so we
scarcely notice it anymore. We’re angry
- when our spouses fail to do what we want.
- when our children are loud, resistant, or disobedient.
- when people fail to appreciate what we’ve done.
- at other drivers on the road who get in our way.
- at people who make us wait.
- when people break their promises.
- when our bosses are demanding.
- when things are “unfair.”
- at the idiot who just took our parking space.
- when people fail to meet our expectations.
- when people try to control us.
- when people criticize us.
- when people are angry at us.
- at people who get in our way.
When we consider how often the above events occur, we
realize that most of us are angry many times every day. A friend once
said to me, “I don’t believe people are as angry as you
“Really?” I replied. “Walk into any
Wal-Mart and cut in line.” People are either angry or they’re
just a slight provocation away from anger. Anger is so common that
it has come to be accepted as normal. And all the anger management
techniques in the world will do us no good unless we understand the
cause of anger.
A NEW DEFINITION
OF LOVE: REAL LOVE
Because of the widespread incidence of anger, and the
terrible effects it has everywhere it is found, we must understand
the real cause of anger and thereby learn an approach to treating it
that is much more productive than those we have been using to this
point. You'll find that this simple definition is much more effective
than all the anger management resources for mental health and anger
management books on the shelves.
Before we can really understand elimination of an emotional
problem—like anger—we must first understand what leads
to the creation and maintenance of emotional health. In short, we must
understand what makes us happy, a subject that we have on the whole
neglected sorely in favor of studying disease.
In order to be happy, what we all require more than
anything else is the feeling that we are loved. Our souls require feeling
loved in just as real a way as our bodies require air and food.
But not just any kind of love will do. The only kind
of love that can fill us up and make us whole emotionally is Real Love.
Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person
without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.
It’s also Real Love when other people care about
our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, people are not disappointed
or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do
what they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally.
When I use the word happiness, I do not mean the brief
and superficial pleasure that comes from money, sex, power, and the
conditional approval we earn from others when we behave as they want.
Nor do I mean the temporary feeling of satisfaction we experience in
the absence of immediate conflict or disaster. Real happiness is not
the feeling we get from being entertained or making people do what
we want. It’s a profound and lasting sense of peace and fulfillment
that deeply satisfies and enlarges the soul. It doesn’t go away
when circumstances are difficult. It survives and even grows during
hardship and struggle. True happiness is our entire reason to live,
and it can only be obtained as we find Real Love and share it with
others. With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else
Sadly, few of us have sufficiently received or given
Real Love. From the time we were small children, we observed that when
we didn’t fight with our sisters, didn’t make too much
noise in the car, got good grades, and were otherwise obedient and
cooperative, our parents and others smiled at us, patted our heads,
and spoke kindly. With their words and behavior, they told us what
good boys and girls we were, and we felt loved.
But what happened when we did fight with our sisters,
made too much noise, got bad grades, and dragged mud across the clean
living room carpet? Did people smile at us then or speak gentle, loving
words? No—they frowned, sighed with disappointment, and often
spoke in harsh tones. Just as the positive behaviors of other people
communicated to us that we were loved, we could interpret the withdrawal
of those behaviors only as an indication that we were not being loved.
Although it was unintentional, our parents and others taught us this
terrible message: “When you’re good, I love you, but when
you’re not, I don’t—or certainly I love you a great
This conditional love can give us brief moments of satisfaction,
but we’re still left with a huge hole in our souls, because only
Real Love can make us genuinely happy. When someone is genuinely concerned
about our happiness, we feel connected to that person. We feel included
in his or her life, and in that instant we are no longer alone. Each
moment of unconditional acceptance creates a living thread to the person
who accepts us, and these threads weave a powerful bond that fills
us with a genuine and lasting happiness. Nothing but Real Love can
do that. In addition, when we know that even one person loves us unconditionally,
we feel a connection to everyone else. We feel included in the family
of all mankind, of which that one person is a part.
To learn more about where your anger comes from
and how to replace it with peace and happiness, download
a free chapter of Real Love and Freedom for the Soul: Eliminating
the Chains of Victimhood.
continue reading about "Anger Managment: What we do in the
absence of Real Love" to learn important anger management
techniques and anger management tips